Glenn: Good morning.
Amy: Morning. Can't believe we're back. Same stupid time cards. Same boring beige halls.
Jonah: Actually, I think that cockroach in the light is new.
Amy: Nope, Ernie's been here longer than me.
Glenn: I'm excited that things are getting back to normal. No more corporate getting all up in our business.
Jonah: Oh, you know that the district manager's still here, right?
Glenn: Jeff? What is Jeff still doing he...you don't think he's trying to find a reason to fire me? Do you?
Amy: No. Glenn, why would they fire you? They just hired you back.
Glenn: Because they're still mad that I gave Cheyenne maternity leave. Maybe they think that people, like, just walk all over me. Like I'm some sort of pathetic Peter.
Jonah: Oh, come on. They don't they don't think, you're that.
Glenn: You don't know. I mean, these corporate guys, they're out for blood. Okay? They are vicious, savage monsters.
Jeff: Hey, everybody. Um, these are welcome back flowers. They gave me a packet of, uh, plant food for it, but I left it in the car. So if they die, I guess, just throw them away. But, anyway here.
Garrett: Cool.
Jeff: You guys have been through a lot in the last two days. Your manager getting fired. Everybody walking out.
Dina: Not everybody walked out. I didn't. She did, he did, those three. I've got a PDF file.
Jeff: Great. Good. Thank you, as always, Dina.
Dina: Welcome.
Jeff: But the point is, um, that I don't want to just go back to the way things were. I wanna know what we as a company can do better.
Amy: Really? Great. Well, uh I think we should start with maternity leave.
Glenn: Listen up, ladies and jerks, because I am so not in the mood.
Amy: What is happening?
Jonah: No idea.
Glenn: Okay, I know corporate suits probably think I'm a big, ole softy, but as everyone here knows I'm a hard-ass boss. And I act like this every day, not just today.
Jeff: Okay.
Glenn: Yeah.
Jeff: What we were talking about when you came in was...I wanna...
Glenn: Everybody here better do their job or you're all going down.
Dina: Just step out.
Jeff: Just lift your leg up.
Glenn: I can't find...
Garrett: You got it.
Jonah: Just hold 'em up.
Glenn: Get it off me.
Jeff: Okay. Yeah, all right.
Glenn: Get it off me.
Jeff: All right, here. We'll just...
Dina: Yeah, this is easier.
Amy: It's just so nice to hear that you actually wanna listen to our concerns.
Jonah: Yeah, one big thing we've been talking about is the store limiting our hours to avoid...
Jeff: Sorry, here's what I'd like to do. I'd just like to take a walk around. Observe how things work. We'll meet later and discuss ways that we can all improve.
Amy: Oh, sorry, did you just say, "we can all improve"? 'Cause none of this happened because we weren't doing our jobs well.
Jeff: Sure, but everything is a two-way street.
Amy: Yeah, but some things are just one-way streets.
Jonah: You need both, you know? One-way streets are useful in terms of traffic flow whereas...I lost track of the point I was trying to make.
Jeff: Yeah, so here's what I'd like to do. I'd like to observe how things work when you guys are not in the parking lot screaming like lunatics and then we can go from there. Think we can handle that?
Amy: I guess we'll see.
Jeff: All right.
Amy: I'm sorry, we're the ones who need to change? How about they stop limiting our hours or docking our pay for bathroom breaks? We are not the ones who need to improve here.
Jonah: Yeah, we're pretty perfect. But, look, he wants to hear our complaints.
Amy: Yeah, and then not do anything about them. No matter what we say, he's just gonna be like, "Well, it's a two-way street, so..."
Garrett: Wow, that was spot on.
Jonah: It was like Amy just disappeared.
Amy: Look, guys, we just need to be on top of our game today, you know? Remember that day six months ago where nothing went wrong? Let's do that today.
Garrett: March 14th cannot be manufactured. That's what makes March 14th beautiful.
Amy: Okay, well, let's just be on our game, okay?
Jonah: Okay, you got it.
Garrett: Attention Cloud 9 shoppers, beef products from Cloud 9 Ranch are now 80% off, but maybe ask yourself why we would do that. You mean like that?
Glenn: I'm the kind of hard-ass boss that corporate loves.
Jeff: Uh-huh.
Glenn: I, I don't allow any jiggerypokery or argle-bargle.
Jeff: Mm-hmm.
Janet: Glenn can I go to the doctor? I've had a sharp pain in my lower right for days.
Glenn: There you go. Typical argle-bargle. Denied.
Jeff: Actually that sounds like appendicitis. I think you should go to the hospital.
Janet: Thank you.
Glenn: I want to see that appendix on my desk tomorrow, young lady!
Customer: Hey, can you tell me where the bathroom is? It's kind of an emergency.
Mateo: I exceeded your expectations? Thank you. Have a heavenly day. Hi! That guy just said I exceeded his expectations. Don't know if you heard.
Jeff: Nice work. I'm Jeff, by the way.
Mateo: No, I know. Mateo. We met yesterday? I was the "loyal, hard-working employee with great skin"? Uh, so now that everything's back to normal, I would love to talk to you about my career here at Cloud 9.
Jeff: Yes, I'm so sorry to do this to you. I just have a bunch to cover today, but nice to meet you, Ma-tato.
Mateo: Ma-tato?
Amy: Laney, make sure Tate's not trying to sell our customers time shares. Todd, keep Sal at least 100 feet away from women's wear. And women in general, if possible. Why is nobody working the deli?
Marcus: Oh, right, Dom told me that he just really didn't feel like coming in today and that I should cover for him by telling you that wait, go back. Let me take that again. Dom told me to tell you that his pug, Elmo, fell into a sinkhole in the park.
Amy: Just follow me.
Amy: Okay, we need to keep the line moving. We have a lot of hungry, angry people out there.
Marcus: Uh, you can just say "hangry" now. It's a new word. My friend's cousin made it up.
Amy: I'll take rolls, veggies, and condiments. You start slicing the meat.
Marcus: Slicing the meat. Oh, sweet, always wanted to work this bad boy. Not totally sure how it works.
Amy: Just, um, load the meat and then slice the meat.
Marcus: Definitely. I'm a quick study, so...oh! I cut myself.
Amy: Already? Well, maybe I should do...Marcus, that looks really bad.
Marcus: Just a nick. It looks worse than it is. Kinda stings a little.
Amy: Marcus, is that your thumb?
Marcus: Uh, I don't know.
Amy: You don't know? Why don't you check?
Marcus: I don't wanna.
Amy: Marcus, check!
Marcus: I don't want to.
Amy: To see if your thumb is on your hand.
Marcus: I don't wanna to. I don't wanna.
Marcus: Ah. I need this thumb for work and driving. Door knobs!
Amy: We just need to put it in a cold, air-tight container, we'll get it to the hospital, they're reattach it. It's easy.
Marcus: Promise?
Amy: Mm-hmm. Here. This should do it.
Marcus: Oh, come on, not the guac. It's all slimy.
Amy: You're not gonna feel it.
Mary: Yeah, I've got a whole PDF.
Dina: Hey! Let's break up this loser squad and get back to work.
Mary: You guys don't hear anything, do you?
Peter: Nope, I can't hear traitors.
Dina: Oh, is that so, Peter? Because I was just coming to tell you that your wife has died. I just got the call.
Peter: I don't have a wife. Everyone knows I'm gay.
Dina: Ha! I knew you could hear me. In your gay face!
Peter: Come on, guys.
Jonah: Hey. I've, uh, I've been there. Junior year of high school I lost all the proofs for lit mag and we had to stay up all night relaying it out. Everybody hated me. Especially Becca Fish such a Goody Two-shoes, but I killed them with a little thing called kindness, and guess who became the next editor-in-chief. Well, co-editor.
Dina: Worst story I've ever heard.
Jonah: Look, all I'm saying is with a little effort it's not that hard to get people to like you.
Dina: I really don't care if people like me.
Jonah: Okay, but don't you find it hard being a boss to people that resent you?
Mary: Who's the one wearing the blue polo now?
Dina: You do raise a good point.
Jonah: Yeah.
Dina: I watch a lot of "Dog Whisperer" DVDs and it's always easier to train a bitch who enjoys your scent.
Jonah: That's exactly what I meant. Um look, if you need any help...
Dina: Pass. I can make people like me on my own just fine. Oh, hey.
Jonah: Yeah?
Dina: I just wanted to say...that story really is awful. I'd tighten it up. Add a couple jokes.
Jonah: Thank you for the feedback.
Marcus: This website says we have an hour to get you and the thumb to the hospital.
Marcus: What happens after an hour?
Amy: Um nothing, it's just a good number to shoot for. Why are you limping?
Marcus: I stubbed my toe picking up the thumb. It really stings.
Amy: Oh, damn it! Okay, act natural.
Jeff: Hey, there. Everything okay with you guys?
Amy: Yeah. Yeah. We were just organizing these batteries.
Jeff: I just have a couple questions about shift assignments.
Amy: Oh, uh, Glenn, I forgot to mention those skateboarders are back.
Glenn: Oh, Jeff, come with me. Now now, those girls are big for 12, but there's two of us, so it'll be a fair fight this time.
Jeff: Oh, okay.
Mateo: Who broke into my locker? What is happening to this country?
Jonah: Mine looks burnt off. It wasn't even locked.
Dina: Everybody shut up. I got you all presents.
Jonah: Oh, okay, guys, how nice of Dina to break into our lockers and give us presents.
Mateo: Yeah, prescription strength deodorant. "Stop stink in its tracks."
Dina: Now that's a gift for all of us, my friend.
Jonah: Thoughtful. In its own way.
Mary: Men's razors?
Dina: For your moustache. You're welcome.
Peter: "Gay Guy."
Dina: Now, I had to order 30 of those, so if you have any gay guy friends, just say the word. Um okay, no big deal, but usually people say "Thank you" when they get presents. Come on.
Jonah: "It's Not All Interesting: How to Tell a Better Story"?
Dina: Now, I don't know if you already have this. I'm assuming you don't.
Cheyenne: I'll be home in five, ten minutes max. Everyone's gonna wanna see photos of the baby, so oh, Amy!
Amy: Hi, not now. Okay, quick drive to the hospital. They'll reattach the where's the thumb?
Marcus: My thumb?
Amy: Yes, Marcus, your thumb! There is no other thumb!
Glenn: Okay, listen closely. When Jeff comes over, I'm gonna pretend to be mean to you, but it's all an act, okay?
Garrett: You're going too fast. I can't follow.
Glenn: It's simple. I'm gonna say mean things to you, but I don't mean the things I say. So even though I really like you, I might say, "I hate you."
Garrett: Hold up. You hate me?
Glenn: No, I love you. I why is this so complicated?
Jeff: Hey.
Glenn: Oh, ah, hey, Jeff. I was just telling this employee how lazy I think he is.
Garrett: You think I'm lazy?
Glenn: Yes!
Garrett: I'm sorry. I mean, I, I try really, really hard. I always thought you liked me.
Glenn: I don't.
Garrett: He right. Actually, I am kinda lazy.
Mateo: Detergents. Pod, liquid, powder. Uh, high-efficiency, et cetera, et cetera. Whatever.
Wow, thank you so much.
Female Customer: You're a lifesaver.
Mateo: Oh, could you just repeat that over here?
Female Customer: Actually, I'm kinda in a hurry. So I...
Mateo: It'll only take a sec.
Female Customer: This is my son. You're hurting my arm!
Mateo: I showed you where the detergent was! Now tell him what you just said to me.
Female Customer: You're hurting my arm.
Mateo: I mean before that. About being a lifesaver.
Female Customer: It's okay, Owen. Mama's here. The bad man didn't get me.
Jeff: In the future, I'd love you to not grab our customers. Okay, Ma-tah-to?
Mateo: It's Ma-tato. I mean Mateo.
Dina: "Dear everyone, from the bottom of my heart I'm sorry that you are mad at me. I only acted the way the way I did because I'm a very loyal person and I can't empathize with people who are self-centered traitors. If I could go back in time I would do the exact same thing. I consider this matter closed now." Huh?
Jonah: Great. Great, uh lotta great stuff in there. I just have a few notes. Tiny stuff. Maybe it could be a little more personal.
Dina: Sounds great. Write it up.
Cheyenne: There's just nothing like looking into your baby's eyes. Amy, wanna see my baby?
Amy: Not now. I need everybody's help. Follow me, please.
Amy: The last time we saw the thumb it was in a tub of guacamole, but then we found this open tub of guacamole on the floor, so it could be a different guacamole, or else it could be the same guacamole, but the thumb fell out. So the thumb could either be in a guacamole or it could be anywhere. Any questions?
Garrett: Yeah, uh, is it just regular guacamole?
Amy: No, it's, uh grapefruit, ginger, and lime.
All: Oh.
Mateo: Where's Marcus?
Amy: Marcus is at the hospital. Elias took him. We have 45 minutes to get him his thumb.
Carol: Does the guacamole have nuts in it?
Amy: What? Why does this matter?
Carol: Well, I'm allergic.
Amy: In the event of a tornado you wanna go straight for the eye of it. That is where it is safest. Oh, hi. We are just conducting a a an impromptu safety meeting.
Jeff: Well, I don't want to interrupt. I'm gonna need to see all non-essential employees in the Break Room.
Amy: Right now?
Glenn: The man said now, so that means now!
Jeff: Okay, I'll see you there.
Jeff: Everything around here looks great. I mean, were there a few expired shampoo bottles left on the shelf? Yes, six actually, but mostly good jobs. So now I would like you guys to tell me what we at corporate can be doing better for you.
Amy: You know, Jeff, it feels weird talking about this on company time.
Jeff: Oh, that's okay, it's an unpaid break.
Amy: Yeah, of course it is.
Jonah: So maybe we'll just start with the beginning of the day. Um, when we all clock in...
Amy: You know what? This sounds like it's gonna be a long Jonah story. How about we put a pin in it and we get back out there and we serve our customers.
Jeff: Really? I mean, now's your chance to say anything you want to say to me.
Jonah: That's right, Jeff. Now is our chance, and we actually have a list of things that we think the company could do better.
Amy: It's just I don't like complaining while we still have that outstanding shampoo problem to fix. You know, there are things that we could all do to improve. It's a two-way street.
Jeff: Okay. If that's how you feel.
Amy: Uh-huh.
Jeff: Everybody, grab a cupcake!
Glenn: Oh! Nope, I hate cupcakes 'cause I'm a meanie.
Dina: Nobody move. I have something to say.
Jonah: Ooh, I wanna hear this.
Dina: This is a letter to my subordinates that I wrote by myself. Mahatma Gandhi once said, "Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong"? Ugh, starting with a quote. It's like a middle-school book report.
Cheyenne: Oh, uh, excuse me. Oh, I'm actually not...
Customer at Checkout: Thank you so much. I'm in a rush. I gotta get home to my kid.
Cheyenne: Sure. Oh.
Dina: "So as I seek atonement for my foibles" that's a little bit much. Um, blah, blah, "The movie Magnolia"? I'm gonna skip that.
Jonah: No, no, that's the best part! I would imagine. It's, it's an excellent film.
Amy: Okay, Dina, we get it. You messed up, you're sorry, you'll never do it again.
Dina: Actually, no. I'm not sorry. And this isn't even like a "sorry, not sorry" situation. This is "not sorry, not sorry." You're all garbage, so grab a cupcake, and continue your slow march to death. "Foibles."
Amy: Great.
Jonah: That was brave, huh, guys?
Jonah: Hey, so I'm not sure calling people "garbage" reads as an apology.
Dina: Great leaders don't care about being liked. Do you think dogs like Cesar Millan? Heck no, they just want him to stop going, "Chh! Chh! Chh!"
Jonah: Why don't you care if people like you?
Dina: Why do you care if people like you?
Jonah: Because it's important.
Dina: To you.
Jonah: Don't try to flip this, okay? It's a basic human need.
Dina: Of yours.
Jonah: You know what? I don't care how you feel about my need to be liked, and I realize that's kind of a contradiction, but one day
Dina: Chh! Calm down! Chh! Chh!
Jonah: Stop doing that.
Dina: Chh! There it is.
Amy: Whoever finds the thumb, pick up the intercom and say I don't know, "strawberry jam."
Garrett: Ooh, but what if something actually happens with strawberry jam?
Amy: I am willing to take that chance.
Mateo: Do you think I'm a memorable person?
Amy: Can you please stop asking questions and just go find the thumb? Please? Go.
Garrett: Ohh, beige. That's a crazy color for a towel. Nice. And you got one of this. Hmm. Oh, lady, hey! Let me dig in your basket.
Amy: You guys, we are so out of time.
Jeff: Hey, guys, what's going on over here? Looks intense.
Glenn: Answer him!
Amy: We were just talking about sales.
Garrett: Yeah, sales orders and utility patents and other words from "Shark Tank."
Jeff: Okay.
Glenn: Good.
Male Customer: Excuse me, are you the store manager?
Glenn: Heck yeah, I am, guy.
Male Customer: I found a thumb in my guacamole.
All: Ooooh!
Garrett: Strawberry jam. Strawberry jam.
Cheyenne: The horn on the bus goes beep, beep, beep; beep, beep, beep; beep, beep, beep...
Annoyed Customer: Get off the phone! You're at work!
Cheyenne: I'm sorry. Thank you for shopping at Cloud 9. Oh, I put my phone in his bag.
Jonah: I'm weird for wanting to be liked. I mean, this isn't even about my ego. People getting along is the bedrock of a functioning society. Am I right? I've seen this one. They get in a big fight over a sofa, but it's not really about the sofa.
Glenn: Marcus got his thumb back, so, you know, no harm no foul.
Amy: I just really thought that we could have a day where nothing went wrong.
Glenn: You mean like March 14th? We're never gonna have another March 14th. Just be grateful you were alive to see one.
Amy: Do you think they're gonna fire me? I mean, I am the idiot who put Marcus on the meat slicer.
Glenn: If they do, this whole store will walk out in support of you.
Amy: Thanks, Glenn, but I don't think we can pull that move twice in 48 hours.
Dina: Hey, Jeff, have you told corporate about the thumb yet?
Jeff: I'm just about to submit an incident report now. Don't worry about it, I know you had nothing to do with it.
Dina: Cool. Cool. Yeah, I was just making sure. But out of curiosity, what's gonna happen to Amy?
Jeff: Suspension, termination. We'll have to see.
Dina: Well, I'll walk with you to the office. I actually have something I'd like to submit as well. I mean, obviously corporate needs to know that a district manager was on site when an untrained employee maimed himself.
Jeff: Uh, I'm sorry?
Dina: God, I really hope this doesn't hurt your shot at that senior VP slot when Todd Spurman retires in June.
Jeff: And if I didn't turn the report in?
Dina: Well, if you didn't turn the report in, then officially nothing happened, so I guess that means I would have nothing to report.
Jeff: Fine. I really don't like you.
Dina: I really don't care.
Mateo: Oh, hey. Hey!
Jeff: What? What can I do for you um...
Mateo: Mateo. My name's Mateo. You know, I've been busting my butt trying to show you I'm a good worker, but you have your head so far up your own butt you haven't noticed. I am so sorry. I have no idea what came over me.
Jeff: It's okay.
Mateo: I shouldn't be talking to you.
Jeff: Stop, stop, stop. Mateo, it's okay.
Mateo: I'm sorry.
Jeff: It's been a long week. I've noticed you.
Mateo: Okay. Thank you. That's all I was asking.
Jeff: I've definitely noticed you.
Mateo: Holy f**k.
Superstore Season Two Transcripts