S03E02-Brett memorial service.jpg This page is a transcript for the Season Three episode Brett Is Dead

Sandra: You're so freakin' special. I wish I was special. But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here?
Jonah: Did Brett like Radiohead?
Garrett: No, it's just the only song she knows.
Mateo: Her YouTube channel is so sad.
Sandra: I don't belong here.
Amy: Thank you, Sandra. That was lovely. We're gathered here today to honor our dear friend and co-worker Brett Kobashigawa. He died doing what he loved most collecting carts.
Glenn: We do not know he's dead!
Amy: Glenn.
Glenn: They did not find a body.
Garrett: They found a foot.
Glenn: Maybe it's somebody else's foot. All we know is that Brett was in the parking lot collecting carts when the tornado hit. And that no one has seen or heard from him since.
Jonah: And the foot...
Glenn: Stop with the foot. We have addressed the foot.
Dina: I agree with Glenn. Brett wasn't killed by that tornado.
Glenn: Thank you, Dina.
Dina: What usually happens is all the air is sucked from your lungs and then they fill up with blood, so technically, he probably drowned on his own blood.
Cheyenne: Why didn't we know about Brett's death sooner?
Amy: Apparently someone was clocking in for him. Guys, this is one of the reasons that clock-in buddies is a bad idea.
Dina: Also, it could've been blunt force trauma. I mean, at those wind speeds, even a coffee mug could blow your chest plate wide open.
Amy: At any rate, we hereby dedicate this bench to Brett, where he used to sit on his flip phone and argue with his wife for hours.
Jonah: Yeah, now might not be the best time, but if anybody still hasn't chipped in for the plaque, it's $6.83 each, so...just, you know, get it to me when you can.
Mateo: His body isn't even cold yet Jonah.
Glenn: Because he's probably still alive, basking on some beach in the Mediterranean.
Garrett: Yeah, just waiting for his foot stump to heal.
Dina: Could've been impaled by a curtain rod. I mean, for all we know, he could be one of several people on the same rod. Hopefully, for his sake, he was on one of the ends.
Amy: Okay, Sandra, how about another song? Oh.
Sandra: Okay, uh, it's not a song, but I, I did learn a new chord. Nope, no that's not it. Nope.

Jonah: So that was a Cloud 9 funeral.
Amy: Yep, there was way more fanfare when Deborah got hit by a forklift.
Jonah: Sorry I missed that. You know, Brett's actually the first person I ever knew who died.
Amy: Really? What about, like, your grandparents?
Jonah: Nope. All still alive and healthy. My Pop-pop can run an eight-minute mile.
Amy: That's a weird thing to brag about.
Jonah: I'm just saying. It's pretty fast.
Amy: I go to, like, three funerals a year. It's a good excuse to see family.
Jonah: I don't even know anybody who's ever been in, like, a major accident.
Amy: Also a weird thing to brag about.
Jonah: Except for Garrett, maybe. That was an accident, right? He was...how, uh...
Amy: Huh. I don't know.
Jonah: Me neither. I feel like I should know that.
Amy: Why?
Jonah: Because he's, you know, one of my best friends. And my roommate. We're definitely close enough for me to know. We pee with the doors open.
Amy: I don't pee in front of anyone.
Jonah: Well then, I guess you don't have any best friends.

Mateo: Oww! Ohh! These things are impossible.
Cheyenne: Yeah, and who is gonna steal a "Matrix 2 and 3" box set?
Mateo: Okay, I can't, I can't, this is blood. I'm bleeding.
Cheyenne: Where?
Glenn: Hey, you two. How's it going?
Mateo: Ugh. Pretty sucky.
Glenn: Because of Brett?
Mateo: Huh?
Glenn: I think it's very, very likely that he is still alive. But if you two are upset about his disappearance, then you can take a break for a while.
Cheyenne: Oh, no, that's okay, we don't...
Mateo: Thank you, Glenn. We, um, we could really use a chance to sit and reflect. You know, Brett was like a father to me, so...
Cheyenne: Yeah, and he was, he was like a grandfather to me.
Mateo: Uh, I'm young enough that he was also like a grandfather to me.
Glenn: I had no idea. Well, you two take as long as you need, okay? You know, the book of Matthew says, "Blessed are those who mourn..."
Cheyenne: Glenn, we're gonna mourn in our own way. Nice.

Amy: Hey, Dina, Justine's complaining about an odor in the women's room again. She's describing it as a liquid raccoon smell. Hey, Dina. You okay?
Dina: What? Yeah, sorry, I just haven't really been sleeping lately. You know, weather's getting worse. I'm starting to think we should get everyone into the new Storm Shelter.
Amy: Uh, I don't think that's necessary. It's just a rainstorm.
Dina: Tell that to Brett. Oh, wait, you can't. 'Cause he's smeared all over the Midwest.

Garrett: I get that it's weird for a dude to say this, but I'm gonna miss Brett's laugh.
Jonah: Me too, me too. Hey, man, uh, let me ask you something. How, how, uh, how did, how were you, I'm sorry.
Garrett: What?
Jonah: No, it's just wh-, did, did, were you always, did, because I don't...oh, look! Look at that! That's Amy. Hey, Amy.
Amy: Hey. Have you guys noticed anything weird about Dina?
Garrett: Well, Dina's her own thing. We've had sex in three different houses, and I'm not totally sure any of them were hers.
Amy: Okay. I mean, not normal Dina-weirdness, like, something's off.
Jonah: I don't know. I mean, maybe she's just...
Amy: Oh! See?
Dina: Attention all customers and employees to the Storm Shelter. Now, people! Let's go! Ugh! Move, grandpa!
Jonah: Oh, she's picking that lady up.

Glenn: Again, I'm so sorry for the false alarm. There's no tornado. You're free to leave.
Dina: Now, better safe than sorry, so no apologies.
Glenn: Yes, but, well, we are apologizing.
Dina: I am absolutely not apologizing.
Garrett: Well, some people should be.
Dina: Well, some people should shut their damn yaps.
Glenn: Anyway, as a thank you, please enjoy a coupon for 50 cents off frozen yogurt in the café.
Amy: We could only find ten.
Glenn: So get them while they're hot. Thank you. Give one to her. Dina was really rough with her.

Jonah: Hey, Myrtle, you've been here a long time, right?
Myrtle: Since 1987.
Jonah: Oh, yeah, so you were here, then, when Garrett first started...
Myrtle: The Cards were in the World Series. I was having an affair with Ozzie Smith. The Wizard, we used to call him.
Jonah: Wow, no kidding. So...
Myrtle: Turns out it wasn't really Ozzie. He was a waiter at Beffa's, which was a popular establishment back then.
Jonah: Beffa's? Never heard of it.
Myrtle: I once saw Al Wiman having a roast beef sandwich there. Well, he ordered it. I don't recall if he ate it.
Jonah: That's a really good story. Umm, Myrtle, when...
Myrtle: Back then, people were tougher than they are now. You can't even call someone a [bleep] Even if they're being one. Which reminds me of a story. I once had a sister-in-law who really was [bleep], and she was adorable.

Mateo: I finally get to catch up on Kylie Jenner's Insta.
Cheyenne: Man, she does sponsored posts in a way that make you really believe that she loves the product.
Mateo: I know. It's beautiful.
Glenn: How's it going, you two?
Mateo: Oh, uh comes in waves. One second I'm, like, "Huh?" And the next I'm, like, "Huh."
Glenn: Well, you know, I'm still holding out hope that Brett's alive.
Cheyenne: Even with the foot?
Glenn: I don't wanna re-litigate the foot, but I did wanna write a Brett tribute for the newsletter you know, just in case. And you guys knew him so well I thought maybe you could help.
Mateo: Of course. I mean, we would love to honor him.
Glenn: So what was his wife's name?
Mateo: Umm...
Cheyenne: Cinnamon.
Mateo: Margaret.
Glenn: Cinnamon Margaret?
Mateo: Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. That is what we said.
Glenn: Okay, uh, I also wanna include a funny story.
Mateo: Well, we obviously have so many of those.
Cheyenne: Obviously. From real life.
Mateo: Mm-hmm.
Glenn: Great. Okay.
Mateo: Cheyenne, what's your favorite?

Dina: Just a heads-up, we're gonna need to do a full restock of the jerky. I'm taking this down to the Storm Shelter.
Amy: Oh, do we need that much? Tornadoes last, like, 15 minutes.
Dina: Uh, what if the roof caves in? "Sorry, everybody. Looks like we're gonna starve down here because Amy thought we'd only be trapped for 15 minutes."
Amy: Uh, Dina? That seems a little dramatic.
Dina: "Okay, uh, Dina? That seems a little dramatic." Look, I don't have time to roast you, okay? I still need sun lamps, mylar blankets...
Amy: Are you maybe going through anything you wanna talk about, or...
Dina: Okay, I need to have games for morale. Chess, Scrabble, Uno for the dummies.
Amy: Okay, Dina? I'm worried about you. As a friend.
Dina: You wanna be a friend? Go freeze a couple hundred pounds of chard.
Amy: I'm not doing that.
Dina: Fine. Guess we won't have chard.

Sandra: Okay. Thank you.
Jonah: Hey, Sandra, how's it going?
Sandra: I just found out Jerry's feeding tube got infected and...
Jonah: Ah, same here. So let me ask you a question, but don't tell Garrett.
Sandra: Okay.
Jonah: Okay. Has he ever told you how he ended up in a wheelchair?
Sandra: Umm, let me think.
Garrett: Hey, what's up, guys?
Sandra: Hey.
Jonah: Hey! What's going on?
Garrett: What you guys talking about?
Jonah: Nothing.
Garrett: Nothing? So you guys are just in the hallway staring at each other saying nothing?
Jonah: Well, not nothing.
Sandra: I mean, we were, we were talking about, Jonah's going to a barbecue, and he asked if it'd be interesting to put burrata on a burger instead of provolone. And I said, "Who uses provolone?" And he was laughing, and then I started laughing. And then he asked, "Are burgers cliche in general?" And I said, "No, not if you use venison." But then you said, "Venison does not pair with burrata," so here we are.
Jonah: Yeah. A-, and then you, and then you came up.
Sandra: Mm-hmm.
Jonah: So.
Garrett: Well, I'm sorry I asked.
Jonah: I, I'll see you around.
Garrett: Mmm.
Jonah: Wow, you are an incredible liar.
Sandra: Thank you.

Glenn: Swam up the Panama Canal. Hey, how long was he a cowboy trick rider for?
Cheyenne: Well, he was in the circuit for a number of years with his horse named...Cloud Tie.
Glenn: Cloud Tie.
Cheyenne: Yeah.
Mateo: And, uh, then he joined the Marines. He was in the Blue Shirt Division.
Glenn: Okay.
Mateo: At the battle of, uh...
Cheyenne: Khaki Pants.
Mateo: Yep.
Glenn: Like it sounds?
Mateo: Mm-hmm. K-H K A-K-I.

Amy: I just think that the tornado and this Brett stuff is really affecting you.
Dina: How many iodine tablets to sterilize urine? Is it two or three? I really couldn't say. Maybe err on the side of caution.
Amy: Are you okay? 'Cause you seem a little manic.
Dina: Is this your thing? Do you like to just follow people and tell them everything you think is wrong with them? 'Cause I could do that too.
Amy: No, that's not...
Dina: Hair. Chin. Shrimpy build. Boobs. Well, left boob.
Amy: I'm willing to ignore that because I know you're lashing out.
Dina: Ankles.
Amy: I have joint inflammation! You need to get help!
Dina: I'm fine!
Amy: Dina?

Amy: I think there's something wrong with Dina.
Glenn: Heck, yeah, there is.
Amy: No, Glenn. It wasn't a diss. Okay.
Glenn: Good burn! That was fun. Hey, let's do Elias now.
Amy: Glenn, I think the tornado really affected her. I don't know if this is a workman's comp type of thing, but she needs to talk to someone.
Glenn: Oh, Lisa's a good listener.
Amy: I was thinking like a professional.
Glenn: Ohh! Okay.

Glenn: Now, we don't have a binder on dealing with tornadoes, but I did find one on workplace shootings that I think I can make work.
Cheyenne: The tornado was like two months ago. We're over it.
Glenn: Well, maybe you are. But maybe there's someone else who's having trouble coping.
Mateo: Who is it?
Glenn: It doesn't matter.
Mateo: Is it Sandra?
Glenn: Nope.
Mateo: Is it Dina?
Glenn: I'm not gonna say.
Mateo: Carol.
Glenn: No!
Dina: Thanks, Ames.
Amy: I'm sorry. This is not what I had in mind.
Glenn: "If you're reading this, then your branch has been the victim of a workplace tornado.
Workplace tornados are a growing epidemic that we need to face while still respecting the right of every American to own tornados." Good.

Glenn: "Many tornado victims describe worrying that behind every hallway, there's a lone tornado waiting to tornado them."
Dina: This is waste of time.
Amy: Look, Dina. I just think that you're holding in a lot of pent-up emotion and that it's good to talk about these things. I learned that in couples therapy.
Dina: Oh, and that worked out great for you, didn't it?
Cheyenne: Dina, that didn't work out for them though, actually. They're getting a divorce.
Dina: I know.
Jonah: You know, there's no shame in admitting you're having a tough time dealing with something, okay? In college, I discovered that my Dad was having an affair on Parents Weekend.
Try enjoying "Stomp" after that.
Mateo: Ugh, that's your trauma? I watched my brother drown in the South China Sea.
Jonah: Well, it's not a contest.
Mateo: Well, if it was, you'd lose.
Glenn: I went to the movie "Saw" thinking it was about carpentry. It is not! I threw up in my lap. And then Jerusha made us stay because it was our date night and the tickets were non-refundable.
Amy: Okay, there's a lot to unpack there, but let's circle back to Dina.
Myrtle: I once got caught trying to run a badger game in Kansas City. Ha. I had to cut my way out.

Glenn: Thank you, Cheyenne, for taking us through your visit to Cancun, but I'm not clear what was traumatic about it?
Cheyenne: Nothing. It was awesome.
Glenn: Great. Okay, uh, well, who hasn't shared yet?
Jonah: Uh, Garrett hasn't.
Glenn: Oh. Garrett?
Garrett: Oh, no, I've lived a blessed life.
Sandra: I have something. My first apartment was in a pet cemetery...
Jonah: You're saying nothing traumatic has ever happened to you? 'Cause, you know, this, this is a safe space.
Garrett: Well, when I was a kid, I was really into horseback riding. I was good at it too. Until Chestnut bucked me going over a hurdle and I landed on my neck. Doc said I was lucky to walk away. But I came in last place, so...
Myrtle: Oh, I'm sorry.
Jonah: Yeah, that sounds bad.
Mateo: Are you kidding? That's, like, nothing.
Carol: My worse trauma was when Sandra tried to murder me during a tornado.
Sandra: I didn't try to murder you. I just didn't try to save you.
Glenn: I love your friendship. Frick and Frack.
Dina: You know, this right here, right now. This is my greatest trauma.
Amy: Glenn, let's wrap this up.
Dina: Yeah. I'm out of here.
Amy: No Dina, look...
Dina: Listen. I get it. You want me to suddenly get in touch with some deep, dark emotions, but guess what. I don't have time to whine about my issues, and frankly, I am sick of listening to all you people whine about yours. Get off me! Move, Brett!
All: Oooh!

Amy: So, apparently when the tornado was coming, Brett was able to run and make it to his car.
Glenn: And then his car got swallowed up by the tornado?
Amy: No, he just drove home.
Glenn: Oh.
Amy: And then we emailed the wrong Brett, so we never knew he was scheduled to work.
Glenn: Well, I knew he wasn't dead.
Amy: Yeah. I guess you were right.
Glenn: Though, just between you and me, I thought he was dead for sure. But now look at him. God bless. Hanging out with his best friends.
Amy: Oh. Never knew they were friends.
Mateo: You sure are bagging those groceries.
Cheyenne: Oh. I thought you had a spider on your shoulder.
Mateo: Got it. There it is. There it is.
Cheyenne: Is Glenn still watching?
Mateo: Yep.
Cheyenne: Okay.
Glenn: Wait. Oh, my God. Whose foot was that?

Garrett: Hey, man. I'm a take off early. I, uh saw a motorcycle in the parking lot and it's the same...motorcycle that I was riding the night it all went down.
Jonah: Okay, all right. Okay, okay, I get it. You're messing with me. You can stop now.
Garrett: Cool.
Jonah: Hey, just an FYI. I wasn't trying to be nosy. I just I thought it would be cool to know you better. That's all. You know, you're my roommate, and you're my best friend, and...
Garrett: First of all, I don't need a best friend. I'm an adult. And if I did have a best friend, it would be my boy Randy Mendoza. We've known each other since the second grade.
Jonah: Always about Randy.
Garrett: Look. What if I told you I got shot in Iraq? Or got drunk and hit a bus full of nuns?
Jonah: Is this also in Iraq?
Garrett: Whatever it is, it's gonna put me in a box. And I don't want that.
Jonah: Understood. Hey. D-, um, does Randy know?
Garrett: Of course. He's my best friend.
Jonah: That's messed up.

Amy: Wow. Really got everything in here, huh? Beef jerky...beans...pornography?
Dina: People are gonna need a release, Amy. It could be hours down here.
Amy: Look, you know Brett is alive, right? No one died. It's all okay. So, we can just head out.
Dina: I'm not leaving.
Amy: You cannot stay down here!
Dina: Are you being serious right now?
Amy: Oh, God. Okay, you know what? Fine. I get it. You don't want my help. I give up. I'm giving up.
Dina: Great. Oh, it's just getting sad at this point. You're so tiny! Look, you know what? Just for that, you don't get a space in the shelter.
Amy: Oh, I'm so sad that I don't get a spot in your little masturbation jail.
Dina: All jails are masturbation jails.
Amy: Look, things happen, okay? You can't be prepared for everything.
Dina: No, you can't prepare for everything, but I can and I always do.
Amy: Dina...
Dina: Forget it. You don't wanna hear about my problems.
Amy: No, I, I do. Of course I do.
Dina: Really?

Dina: I couldn't sleep or eat, so I just watched old VHS tapes of the 1994 Winter Olympics. I'm Team Tanya all the way, you know?
Amy: Mmm.
Dina: I'm pretty sure Nancy Kerrigan hit herself in the leg. Nobody tells you at six that a dog can't eat chocolate.
Amy: Oh, wow. We're going back to the beginning. Okay.
Dina: And for the rest of camp, all the kids called me "Bagel Boobs." I just feel like this feeling is gonna last forever.
Amy: I know. With Adam gone, I'm on my own for the first time, and I'm just, I'm terrified.
Dina: Maybe don't make this about you right now.
Amy: Yeah. No. Sorry. You go, you go. You go.
Dina: Okay. So I think we got up to my tenth birthday?
Amy: Mm-hmm. We're at ten.
Dina: It's about to get really bad.

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Grand Re-OpeningBrett Is DeadPart-Time HiresWorkplace BullyingSal's DeadHealth FundChristmas EveViral VideoGolden Globes PartyHigh Volume StoreAngels and MermaidsGroundhog DayVideo Game ReleaseSafety TrainingAmnestyTargetDistrict ManagerLocal Vendors DayLotteryGender RevealAftermathTown Hall
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