Forced Hire/Transcript

This page is a transcript for the Season Five episode Forced Hire.

Hey, Rodriguez.
 Good news.
 I was going over the harassment policy.
 Turns out there's nothing in there about nerds.
 We can do whatever we want to them.
 Well, I'm not really dying to harass some nerds.
 Oh, no, neither am I.
 I'm just saying we have options.
 Oh, God, you've gotta be kidding me.
 Okay, don't look over now.
 I'm gonna need you to look over, but don't be obvious about it, okay? Don't look now.
 Look back at me.
 All right, okay.
 Ready? Look now.
 Wait, not now! Dina, what are you talking about? Okay, you know Colleen from the Bel-Ridge store? The one who sucks and is like if Satan and a turd had a baby? She just walked in.
 Mm-hmm, yeah.
 Um But your little rivalry thing is just kind of fun and friendly competition, right? No, Amy.
 I hate her with the fire of a thousand suns.
 Frankly, I'd like her dead.
 - Oh.
 - Shh she's coming this way.
 God, I wish I could dropkick her dumb head.
 Colleen, hi! Oh, my gosh, it's so good to see you.
 [whispering.]
 Vomit.
 I am so sorry to hear about Bel-Ridge closing.
 Ugh, who knows why these things happen? Thanks, Deener.
 I appreciate that.
 So whatcha doing here? You just pop in on your way to the unemployment office? [laughs.]
 Well, actually, uh Fun surprise.
 Colleen has been transferred to here.
 That is a fun surprise.
 [upbeat music.]
 Colleen Wisniewski! In my store.
 Why didn't you tell me? I thought maybe you'd overreact a little bit.
 Oh, I'm overreacting a lot.
 This will not stand! You have to fire her.
 She calls me "Deener," Amy.
 - Deener.
 - Look, my hands are tied.
 She's been with the company a long time.
 Corporate wanted to relocate her.
 Besides, we kind of had something to do with the closing of Bel-Ridge, so maybe we should just be cool with it.
 What and then just let Colleen be Colleen? I don't wanna be on that side of history.
 If you don't get her out of here, I will.
 No, Dina, no.
 You will not.
 [clears throat.]
 Or I will be forced to write you up.
 - Really? - In front of Colleen.
 You wouldn't.
 - Try me.
 - What is this? Is this is this you being firm? [clears throat.]
 Oh, you're back.
 Well, I'm wearing your vest and I'm keeping it 'cause it fits me better.
 No, I'm just visiting.
 I may not be able to work here, but they can't stop me from seeing my friends and using their employee discount.
 So you have to wear that thing all the time? [groans.]
 It's the worst.
 I have to charge it every eight hours, and of course they had to put it on my cute ankle.
 My mom's ex-boyfriend Dustin had one of those, but he took it off.
 How? They're, like, indestructible.
 Well, he was 400 pounds when he got it, but then he got a parasite from a lake.
 Maybe something like this for our centerpieces? But with basil in it 'cause Jerry loves Italian food.
 I wish you were having a gay wedding.
 I've never been to a gay wedding.
 Oh, you should have a shrimp tower because I've heard at some weddings they don't have enough shrimp, and some some people get upset.
 Okay, these are all great points, just not for a union meeting, which this was actually supposed to be.
 So have you guys set a date yet? Almost.
 It's either gonna be the anniversary of our first kiss or whatever the cheapest option is.
 You know, Sandra, you seem to have a lot going on right now and I'm wondering if maybe I should take the reins on this whole union thing for a little bit.
 Yes, thank you.
 I'm doing a lot of wedding planning this week and also I'm going through all the "Fast & Furious" movies, so I have a lot on my plate.
 Got it.
 Yeah.
 Here are the signed cards and, FYI, the warehouse guys took theirs back.
 Wait, what? Why? I don't know, but Rico has beautiful penmanship.
 He agreed to do all of my invitations.
 [sighing happily.]
 Why in the world would anybody put chains on me Yeah I guess I should've pushed back more when corporate made me hire her, but I just thought Dina hated her like, "I hate Mondays.
 " But no, she wants to follow Monday home, blockade the door, and burn the house down with Monday still inside.
 Well, I mean I can see where Dina is coming from.
 Who wouldn't hate that person? Well, at least I put my foot down.
 Dina is not going to be messing with her.
 Hopefully.
 How was the union meeting? Well, uh, we learned that Sandra is walking down the aisle to "The Hamster Dance.
 " Oh, and all the warehouse guys are out.
 Wait, what? How are we gonna get any of the other stores to commit if we can't get our own people? Don't worry, I'm on it.
 I'll I'll talk to them, get 'em back on board.
 Oh.
 You know, I would never usually recommend this, but you should talk to Marcus.
 I don't know, for some reason they listen to him.
 I think it's 'cause he's tall.
 Is he tall? I guess I just never thought of us as tall Aww.
 [groans.]
 God, this sucks.
 I just feel so useless.
 And not like the way most people here are useless.
 I just mean, like, no purpose.
 Well, I could use your help with this quilt right now.
 I can't get it smooth.
 Okay, you can't grapple with it once it's down.
 You have to do the loft-and-fold.
 - What? - Yeah.
 Just loft [gasps.]
 And then we fold this Wow! Get this guy into my bedroom.
 - Thank you.
 - You bet.
 Aww, did you see his face when he helped you? Makes sense.
 He loves being better at stuff than people.
 [phone ringing.]
 Oh, crap.
 - My phone's in there.
 - Oh.
 I don't know, man.
 The guys got pretty spooked by the raid.
 Who knows what corporate would do if we unionize? Yeah, well, but we we really need the numbers, and I And I-I just thought maybe maybe you could talk to them? If you're if you're worried about what to say, we could go over some talking points together, you know.
 Hold up together? As in, you and me? Yeah, just, you know, just quickly to go over what to say.
 Right, right.
 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
 We hang out, chopping it up, bro by bro.
 Then I go back in, get the guys back on board, we go celebrate for dinner.
 Right, great.
 And then, yeah, that's the end.
 Or the beginning of a great friendship.
 You know, I I feel like we could get this done pretty quickly.
 Do you do you have a minute now? I don't know.
 I mean, we have a lot of ground to cover.
 We should probably block out a big chunk of time.
 - Oh.
 - Say, lunch? [stammers.]
 Yeah, okay, sure.
 Lunch.
 Yes! The Horsemen ride again.
 Meet me at my car.
 I'll put together a playlist.
 You can put on some more comfortable clothes - Probably just wear this.
 - Ah, it's perfect.
 Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers.
 Just a reminder about our emotional support snake policy.
 We don't have one, so please do not bring your You know how I said there's no way I will ever forgive you for what happened to my birds? Well, guess what? There is a way.
 I need you to make Colleen quit because I hate her.
 Okay, so you hate Colleen, you hate me - How many enemies do you have? - 37.
 36, and then my bitch neighbor had a baby.
 All right, look, Dina, I don't have any beef with this woman and I don't know how you'd go about making someone quit.
 Well, you managed to make my birds quit living.
 I'm sure you can figure something out.
 Just get her out of here and make sure I'm not tied to it at all and I'll stop doing things like this.
 That was Elias's.
 Oh, well, that's fine.
 Elias is also on my list.
 Oh, Mateo, thank God you're here.
 I can't get these shirts to lie flat.
 How do you do it again? Okay, so just anchor it with your thumb and pull it taut.
 Do the same thing on the other side, like so.
 One-third, two-thirds, there.
 Thin as prosciutto.
 Amazing.
 You're so helpful.
 Okay, I know what you're doing, Chey and thank you.
 Oh, hey, Mateo, I didn't see you there.
 Hey, am I doing this right? - Glen - 'cause I-I just I thought they were supposed to go on their sides Glen, let me help Glen! Oh, hey, uh - Colleen, right? - Yeah, Colleen.
 The one whose locker you were just in.
 Oh, that's [chuckles.]
 That's your locker.
 I thought it was mine.
 No, yours is the one next to you that says "Garrett" with the "Neon Genesis" sticker.
 - Oh, anime fan? - Mm-hmm.
 Also a fan of my locker.
 Sure, oh you're gonna head in there right now? - Mm-hmm.
 - Yeah, of course.
 - Your locker, go for it.
 - Oh! I, um I put a bunch of fish in your locker.
 Mm-hmm, yeah, I can see that.
 Still haven't gotten these doors replaced, huh? If it's good enough for the United States Postal Service, it's good enough for me.
 All right.
 Yeah.
 Chicken adobo? Mateo's aunt made it for me.
 Has that just been sitting in your car all day? Yeah, boy! It's already warm.
 No need to microwave.
 So, talking points.
 When you talk to the guys about health care, I was thinking Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude.
 You can't just tell me what to say and then I go and I say it.
 Really? I thought we might try that.
 No, you gotta find my voice, so when I say it, it sounds natural.
 And that means a little getting to know you period.
 Okay, great.
 Uh, totally.
 So, what should I know? Well, for starters, do you like this song? [rock music.]
 - Yeah yes? - Noice! Dude, that's my band.
 It's actually just me right now, but we're looking to fill out the lineup.
 Or maybe we're not looking anymore? Why, exactly, would you put fish in Colleen's locker? Because I'm a bully and I think this totally nice and friendly lady should quit.
 You think that, do you? Not cool, Garrett.
 She's a member of our family.
 Colleen, I'm so sorry this happened to you.
 It's really no big deal.
 I was just looking for some Lysol because the fish smell is escalating.
 No, it is a big deal and frankly, he needs to be punished.
 I'm putting you on freezer duty.
 I don't know what freezer duty is.
 Whatever, just go get in the freezer.
 Okay.
 I'm so sorry, Colleen.
 I really hope Garrett doesn't do anything like this again.
 So do I, but honestly this probably won't be the last time and it probably won't be the most fish.
 It will be the last time.
 Aw, Sandra.
 [Chuckles.]
 Can't believe they got you in on this.
 - Huh? - Oh, this is so stupid.
 I mean, it's so bland.
 Like you've got the same color next to each other.
 Nothing's accessorized.
 [groans.]
 It looks like a baby did this.
 You guys, Sandra? This is too much.
 I I did my best.
 Oh, it's okay.
 I've got this.
 Hey, Sandra, we were Hey, um, Mateo? We didn't really You guys, um, this is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
 And the fact that you got everyone in the store in on it I I can't even.
 Well, yeah, we'd do anything for you, Mateo.
 Anything you think we did.
 Attention, shoppers, we have a sale today in our pets department, two for one goldfish.
 In sporting goods, fishing rods are fishy percent off.
 I think that's supposed to be 50.
 And finally Come to customer service to get your pound of locker fish from me, Garrett the Fish McFish.
 Have a heavenly day.
 Very funny.
 You put fish in my locker, I put fish in your announcements.
 Fair enough.
 I'm I'm sorry about that.
 Oh, it's no big deal.
 I can handle rookie hazing.
 And don't worry, I will get you your dead fish back ASAP.
 Well you know what, those fish are yours to keep.
 Aw, that's really generous.
 - I have a big heart.
 - I bet you do, but I am very worried that you might meet a hungry cat and need the dead fish, so I should give you my number.
 I guess you could do that.
 - You have to fire Colleen.
 - Garrett, I know Dina put you up to this.
 Yes, okay, Dina did put me up to that, but that's not what this is about.
 I think that there I think there might be something there.
 Like between the two of us.
 How? You just met.
 She likes anime, okay? She made some jokes.
 I don't I don't have a lot of boxes to check.
 God no, no, no.
 That can't happen.
 Dina would lose her mind.
 That would be bad for me, bad for the store, bad for everybody.
 Okay, well, yeah, I-I agree.
 That's why you need to do something.
 Can't you just transfer her to another store? I mean, I guess I could call around, but it's not like there's that many empty spots.
 In the meantime, can you just not sleep with her? I wish I could promise you that, but I couldn't stop myself from sleeping with Dina after I killed her birds.
 Are you seriously saying you can't promise to not sleep with one of your coworkers? That's that's pretty much what I'm saying.
 I don't care what they said.
 You are beautiful, you are sexy, and any guy would kill for a night alone with you.
 All right, Mom, I gotta bounce.
 Say bye to Jonah.
 Bye, Mrs.
 White.
 It was nice to meet you.
 This whole hour has just flown by.
 Fish in the locker? What kind of bush-league crap is that? Well, I didn't put a lot of thought in it because I didn't want to do it.
 Okay, you're gonna need some help, so I'm willing to let you borrow this.
 Dina, you still have that bag of meth? We talked about this.
 You gotta turn that in.
 Then what would I do in situations like this when I need a bag of meth? Okay, so, you're talking to Colleen, you casually drop it at her feet.
 I bring Amy by and, "Oh, Colleen", did this just fall out of your pocket?" And she's all, "What? That's not" and Amy's like, "Bup, bup, bup, Colleen.
 "I don't wanna hear it.
 You're fired.
 And on your way out, give that bag of meth back to Dina.
 " All right, look.
 Dina, I wanna help you out, but this is a little extreme.
 You know, most reasonable people would expect one deed of penance per dead bird, and here I am very generously offering you a package deal.
 All you have to do is plant some illegal drugs on an innocent, but terrible woman.
 It's supposed to be a pyramid.
 I think you, of all people, could handle that.
 - I'm Syrian, not Egyptian.
 - Clearly.
 Don't mind me just making it not look like crap.
 Labels out.
 Thank you.
 Sorry, she's not usually this bad.
 - [gasps.]
 - Heavy stuff goes in the bottom because of gravity.
 Well, I mean there's always the option of not hooking up with Colleen.
 Yeah, see, that just doesn't make any sense to me.
 I J-bone! There you are, buddy.
 All right, I am ready to talk union.
 I was thinking we could do it over some hoops.
 Maybe some one-on-one, a little Horse, or just, like, run some passing drills? Uh, you know what, as as much as I'd like to, um, to hoop with you, I gotta Garrett needs me to help with the - No, I don't.
 - Yeah, yeah, the you know, the the the announcement that you Already did it, man.
 You're good to go hoop it up.
 - Oh great, thanks, friend.
 - Anytime, buddy.
 Nice, let's do it! Shirts versus skins.
 I'm wearing a shirt, so Okay, you know what, Marcus, no, I'm not doing this, okay? I know I'm supposed to go through you, but I'm just gonna go in there and I'm gonna talk to the warehouse guys myself.
 You need me, okay? These guys don't relate to you.
 These guys don't listen to NPR and eat Faberge eggs for breakfast.
 - I would hope nobody - They respond to guys' guys.
 You know, guys who work with their hands, who know how to grill a burger.
 - Marcus - The kind of guys who would chug a liter of barbecue sauce just - 'cause someone dared them to.
 - I disagree, all right? I think they are gonna listen to reason.
 You underestimate these guys.
 I'm gonna go in there and I'm not coming out until every single one of them signs these cards.
 Okay, but you're gonna fail.
 And I'll be there for you when you do, 'cause we're friends.
 Come on, Amy.
 There's a very angry customer and she only speaks Spanish, so, uh, we need you to translate.
 Get Cody to help.
 My Spanish isn't even that good.
 No, hers isn't either.
 That's why it has to be you.
 I'm sure she's here somewhere.
 Oh, my God.
 These dogs in bathing suits make me really uncomfortable.
 Yeah, right? I mean, it's so weird.
 They should be wearing more tops 'cause dogs have, like, ten nipples.
 Oh, so you know zoology and math? - Well - You know what, get Cody to help, or give her a free slushie.
 Everyone speaks slushie.
 I don't have time for this.
 So, did you come over here to ask me out, maybe? Or are you just lurking, or Yeah, um, sure.
 Did you want to get some tacos after work? - Yeah, I would.
 - Okay.
 All right, so, this turned into a date.
 Uh, hey uh, guys? Guys is it is it all guys? We should probably talk about that, but, uh, another day.
 So, look.
 I get that there are probably some reservations about this whole union thing, you know, and yeah, I don't seem like you, you know, at first, because I'm more booksmart or not even, not even smarter, just just like, um, you know, better educated.
 Or not better gross, why would I - What are you saying? - Uh, what I'm saying is, I get that this is a little scary, but what corporate is gonna do if we don't do this is even scarier, okay? So, you know, you, you, you, you're all at risk of being replaced by machines.
 So I'm good? Uh, no, you're you're at risk, too.
 You didn't point at me.
 Okay, the pointing was arbitrary.
 All right, look, a union is our best shot at protecting our jobs.
 Okay, so who's with me? I don't know.
 Can we trust this guy? Honestly, I'm not sure.
 Guys, of course you can trust me, okay? I'm I'm I'm a fighter.
 You know, we are we are the same.
 We are the every man, you know? I you and we we share look, you wanna you wanna watch me, uh, you wanna watch me chug this ranch? I'm gonna slam this ranch.
 Watch me slam this ranch! Okay.
 Mmm [gulping.]
 He's in my band.
 What do you mean you're going on a date with her? Well, it was either that or plant crystal meth on her.
 Okay, so in the whole world, those were your two options? It seemed like it at the time.
 Well, guess what I just heard from my dear friend Colleen? You two are going out.
 Well, it's true.
 I'm going out with Colleen.
 - [wheezes.]
 - Oh man, Garrett.
 That is messed up.
 You're gonna go out with Colleen to get her to fall in love with you just so you can break her heart? Wait what are you talking about? Yeah.
 Yes, Amy, that's what I'm doing.
 I just felt so bad for what I did to your birds that I didn't think getting Colleen to quit was good enough.
 Wait, so all of this is just a long con? - Oh, yeah.
 - I can't believe I fell for this.
 Of course you're not interested in Colleen.
 No one is.
 This is really good.
 All right, we gotta make sure you win her over.
 - Okay - And forget tacos.
 You need to woo this woman.
 I'll make a reservation somewhere romantic and I'll give them my credit card.
 I mean, it's the least I can do - since you're doing this for me.
 - Oh, yeah, the least you could do.
 - Can't believe you.
 - Yeah.
 I can't believe him either.
 That's totally insane.
 Vendor, then item number, then delete.
 Allison.
 Uh, hey, Mateo.
 Um, you know how you've been helping everyone out like, a lot? And you've really helped fill that Mateo-sized hole in the store.
 You guys, stop.
 I can't.
 - What? - It's too much.
 Okay, at first it was sweet, but now I'm just doing everyone's jobs for them and I'm not even getting paid.
 You took advantage of my greatest weakness my enormous heart.
 Have fun, you two.
 Get dessert.
 Order a nice bottle of wine.
 Splurge! So, great news.
 Crestwood's assistant manager had a pallet dropped on her.
 I mean, it's bad.
 She's gonna be fine.
 She's getting a ton of money.
 But I begged them to take Colleen, and they said yes.
 Wait, so Colleen's out of the store and Garrett's gonna break her heart? Mm-hmm.
 This day just keeps getting better and better.
 Got the warehouse guys back on board without Marcus's help.
 - Oh, good.
 - Yep, yep.
 It turns out at the end of the day, people just wanna connect on a human level, you know? Uh-huh.
 Uh, what's all over your shirt? That is a gallon of ranch.
 I had to chug a gallon of r anch.
 Is that, uh There it is.
 - A bag of meth.
Ah.