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S03E05-Staff in costumes This page is a transcript for the Season Three episode Sal's Dead

Construction Worker: We found him this morning. Looks like he used to work here. We were opening up the drywall, and Gary saw the arm. I was like, "What? No way, Gary. That's not a dead body." Then Gary showed it to me. Turns out, it was a dead body. Who are you? Beyoncé?
Amy: Selena.
Construction Worker: Who?
Amy: Selena. She was Beyoncé before Beyoncé.
Kelly: I thought you were J. Lo.
Amy: Mmm, no.

Glenn: So, unfortunately, the body we found was one of our employees. Salvatore Kazlauskas.
Mateo: Wait, you mean Creepy Sal?
Glenn: The man is dead! But yeah.
Amy: Oh.
Cheyenne: Phew.
Dina: Police said he's been dead for at least a year.
Amy: Are you crying?
Kelly: Yeah, I just...poor guy.
Amy: But you didn't know him.
Kelly: But he was a human being.
Jonah: Ehh. Sal was a bit of a...how do I put it?
Cheyenne: When he looked at you, it felt like he was grabbing you.
Glenn: Apparently he was doing some work behind the drywall outside the women's washroom and then his foot got caught in a beam, and he starved to death.
Jonah: I'm sorry, what "work" was he doing exactly?
Glenn: We're not sure. He drilled a hole into the women's washroom so maybe he was hanging a picture?
All: Groan.
Garrett: Dude. He was peeping on women going to the potty.
Glenn: What? Why?
Dina: Well, that explains the rotting smell in the women's bathroom. I know we all assumed that was Amy.
Amy: Why why me?
Dina: 'Cause, you know, divorce tummy. I'm sure there's a lot of churn going on in there.
Amy: I have no churn.
Glenn: Anyway, umm, everyone make sure that you don't disturb the body until the coroner gets here.
Cheyenne: Wait, so it's just going to sit in the store?
Mateo: Uh, I'm not working next to a dead body. Especially Sal's.
Dina: Technically we've all been working next Sal's dead body for the past year. Nobody complained until now.
Jonah: Oh, it just occurred to me. That must've been Sal's foot we found.
All: Oh.
Dina: No, no. Actually he still had both of his feet.
Glenn: Then who's foot was that?

Jonah: What about Maxine?
Garrett: Nah, I don't trust anybody who opens their eyes that wide.
Jonah: Yeah. Pass.
Amy: I can't believe this is what dating is now.
Garrett: Oh, you're not ready to jump back in?
Amy: No. And even if I were, I wouldn't be using an app. I'm still afraid of PayPal.
Jonah: It actually gets to be kind of fun, you know. You just swipe right for yes, left for no, see? Oh, hello, Jessicah, with an H at the end, wow.
Amy: Can I see?
Jonah: Okay, you just took it.
Amy: Come on, so this is just like a typical day for Jessicah where she's baking cupcakes in a Rams jersey. Come on, I'm onto you, Jessicah with an H. Oh, this one is way too hipster, even for Jonah.
Garrett: Mm-hmm.
Amy: Oh. A bowling action shot? Well, clearly she's just trying to show off her cleavage.
Jonah: Oh, gross.
Garrett: Yeah, get out of here with that.
Glenn: Jonah! I need your help.
Jonah: Okay, uh, can, can I just get my phone?
Amy: Oh, no I'm still playing.
Jonah: But it's not a game so...
Amy: Mine.
Glenn: Jonah, you can live without your pager for five minutes. Now!
Jonah: Okay.
Amy: Wait, this one's just a picture of Margot Robbie. Are they allowed to do that?
Garrett: Mmm.

Cheyenne: I can do a one-eyed zombie, a motorcycle accident victim, bride of "Babadook," and then this one makes it look like your head is eating the rest of your body.
Mateo: That one's my favorite.
Girl's Mom: Umm, these are a bit much.
Cheyenne: Thanks. I've getting into special effects makeup. I'm working on my portfolio.
Girl's Mom: Uh-huh, that's great. Umm, how about a kitty cat?
Cheyenne: Okay. Another cat. How fun.
Mateo: Oh, God.
Cheyenne: I know. I'm so sick of basic people. Not you, your Mom.
Mateo: No, my cousin is getting married in the Philippines, and literally everyone I know is going except for me.
Cheyenne: Aw, you should totally go.
Mateo: I can't exactly leave the country, remember?
Cheyenne: Oh, right, because you're...do you know what "undocumented" means? Because you're undocumented.
Mateo: This is so unfair. Do you know how badly I want one of those Instagram photos of the wing of the plane?

Dina: Just for the record, I don't think we should be disturbing a crime scene.
Jonah: Yeah, I got to go with the cop on this one.
Glenn: I just want to cover it up until the coroner gets here. I mean, we're a family store. I know we don't specifically promise no dead bodies, but we shouldn't have to.
Dina: Fine, just don't go touching the body.
Jonah: I wasn't going to.
Dina: Now that you know you're not allowed.
Jonah: No, I just wouldn't do that.
Dina: Uh, because I said you can't.
Jonah: Why would I...I'm gonna let you have this one.
Dina: Because you have to.
Glenn: All right, well, that should hold. Is this worse? I feel like it is.

Clown: Boo!
Screaming Customer: Aaah!

Amy: This one says "professional wanderer," AKA on her parents' phone plan. Next.
Garrett: I can't tell if I like or don't like candy corn.
Amy: Oh, my God. Is that Kelly?
Garrett: Oh, yeah, it is. Hey, girl. Go get it.
Amy: "Just a small-town girl livin' in a lonely world." Ugh, calm down. Oh, no. What? "Match?" I didn't how how did that happen?
Garrett: Well, you swiped right.
Amy: No, I didn't. I swiped left, like this.
Garrett: Oh, yeah, you got a little right to your swipe.
Amy: Well, how do I cancel it?
Garrett: You can't.
Amy: What do you mean I can't? She's gonna think Jonah matched her.
Garrett: You know what it is? It's like eating a birthday candle, only in a good way.
Amy: Garrett, what do I do? I don't know, be honest. Tell her you stole Jonah's phone, and you were stalking her on it.
Amy: Okay, that's not gonna happen. I was thinking more like, I could sneak up like a ninja, take her phone, cancel the notification, and then slip it in without her noticing.
Garrett: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mmm. Or I know this guy who works at the NSA. He kind of owes me a favor. I could call him up, have him hack into Kelly's phone, and melt her motherboard.
Amy: Yes, call the guy.
Garrett: I'm messing with you.
Amy: How is that helpful?
Garrett: I wasn't trying to be helpful.

Amy: Robin. Move. Kelly. Hey, girl. Um, I, I meant to ask you earlier um, what's up?
Kelly: Oh, I'm just going to the bathroom.
Amy: Oh, me too. Sweet. Hey, real quick. Could I borrow your phone? Yeah, mine is soaked. Not in the toilet, in a pond.
Kelly: Uh, yeah, sure. Here you go.
Amy: Thanks. Oh, it's it's asking me for a passcode.
Kelly: Oh, here let me put it in.
Amy: Oh, you can just tell it to me, and I'll do it.
Kelly: That's okay. I'd rather do it myself.
Amy: Why are you being so weird about your code?
Kelly: I'll just do it.
Amy: Okay, but then just give it right back to me like really quick. What, what was that? What, why, why, why, why are you laughing?
Kelly: I just got some good news. Ah, here you go.
Amy: Thanks. Oh, um, right. Hi, it's Amy. Happy Halloween. Thanks, you're a lifesaver.

Impressed Customer: Oh, I love how they put him in a uniform. Like he's a dead employee. So cool.
Glenn: No. This is not a Halloween display. That is a real dead body.
Dina: You crack me up. It must be so much fun working there. Okay, talk to you later. That was the coroner's office. A gas main blew in a Shoeland.
Jodi: Oh, God. Which Shoeland?
Dina: Who cares? They're all the same. The point is, they're not gonna be here for a while.
Glenn: Oh, come on. Really?
Jodi: Which Shoeland? My husband works at a Shoeland.
Dina: I don't know, Jodi. I didn't ask the man every little question in the world.
Glenn: How long are they gonna be...
Jodi: Which Shoeland?
Dina: Jodi, I can not with you right now. I didn't even hear Glenn's question. Glenn?
Glenn: How long are they gonna be?
Dina: I don't know.

Kelly: Mind if I sit here, Mr. Bumblebee?
Jonah: Mmm, actually it's the "Disappearing Bee Crisis." You know, because nobody seems to, it doesn't matter. Yeah, sure, sit.
Kelly: Oh, thanks. So, uh hey, I just want to say...
Amy: Hey!
Jonah: Hey.
Kelly: Hey.
Jonah: I thought you took your lunch break already?
Amy: What do we got here, the lunch police? Wee-oo, wee-oo! Take me downtown, Officer Bumblebee.
Jonah: Oh, actually I'm the "Disappearing Bees," so the...
Amy: Oh, hey. Kelly, could you jump on register four?
Kelly: Oh, I just started my lunch break.
Amy: Oh, I know, and I'm ending it. Just kidding.
Kelly: Oh.
Amy: I'm not, though. Yeah.
Kelly: Sure, no, yeah. I, umm, I guess I can eat this on the way.
Amy: Yup, that's why they're made to go.
Jonah: Oh, do you still have my phone?
Amy: Uh-oh, phone police. Wee-oo, wee-oo! You'll never take me alive.
Jonah: What is this new cop thing?

Glenn: Attention shoppers. Please stay away from the Housewares section. There is something there that is extremely disturbing, and it may frighten you. It's literally horrifying. They're going the wrong way.
Jonah: Yeah. I think the fact that it's Halloween is working against us.
Glenn: Please, listen to me. The Housewares section is very, very scary. It will give you nightmares. Turn back before it's too late.
Jonah: Okay, okay, Glenn, I think you're just making it sound like a haunted house, you know?
Glenn: Oh, my God, you're right.
Jonah: Yeah.
Glenn: The Housewares section is not a haunted house.
Jonah: There you go.
Glenn: It is so much worse than any haunted house you have ever seen.
Jonah: No. No, no.
Glenn: You you you've been warned.
Jonah: Okay.

Cheyenne: Isn't that the same costume you wore last year?
Dina: Yeah, costumes are like bathing suits. You wear it till it's just threads. All right Sal, let's see what you got for me. A bunch of wigs. Film canister full of...I mean, it looks like baby teeth.
Cheyenne: Ew.
Dina: All right, what else? Bag of old batteries, corpse of a turtle, his passport.
Cheyenne: Oh.
Dina: What's this? Huh. Looks like Sal was working on a book. "Bethany said Logan was the cutest boy at Wakefield, and he wanted to ask me to the dance." I'm in.

Cheyenne: You're going to that wedding.
Mateo: With Sal's passport?
Cheyenne: I am a master at make-up. If I can make Elias look like Dame Edna, I can make you look like Sal.
Mateo: Wait, why did Elias want to be Dame Edna?
Cheyenne: He didn't, I just did it.
Mateo: I mean it would be illegal. Although me just being here is illegal so it kind of cancels out.
Cheyenne: Mm-hmm.
Mateo: So I think we should...do it.
Cheyenne: Yes! Oh, my God, this is going to be so fun.
Girl's Mom: Excuse me. We agreed on a kitty cat.
Cheyenne: She is a kitty cat. An undead one.
Mateo: Duh.

Amy: She saw the match before I could get her phone.
Garrett: Oh, okay, we need to "Freaky Friday" this. You need to find a cursed object, switch bodies with Jonah, have a whirlwind romance with her, but then learn an important life lesson. Switch bodies back.
Amy: This was helpful. Thank you.
Garrett: You're welcome.
Amy: Oh, no. She sent him a wink. What does that mean? Is she, like, flirting? Is that like a flirty wink? Maybe she's winking like, "I get it. I know what's going on." "I know it's you, Amy. It's all cool." "I won't tell Jonah."
Garrett: Definitely the second one.
Amy: I have to squash this before Jonah finds out.
Garrett: Oh, so now you're just gonna straight up "Catfish" her? Cool.
Amy: "Hey. Thanks for the wink. It means the world. I think you're a great girl, but I realized I shouldn't be dating right now. The timing's just not right." There. That should fix it.
Garrett: Yeah, as long as they never run into each other in the store they both work in.
Amy: There are, like, dozens of aisles.

Cheyenne: Okay, Sal, what's your last name?
Mateo: Kazlauskas.
Cheyenne: Can you use it in a sentences?
Mateo: My name is Sal Kazlauskas.
Cheyenne: And where were you born?
Mateo: South Dakota. It's great. It's just south of North Dakota.
Cheyenne: Good save. In 2012 you went to?
Mateo: Thailand.
Cheyenne: In 2013 you went to?
Mateo: Thailand.
Cheyenne: In 2014...
Mateo: It's Thailand. I've only been to Thailand.
Cheyenne: Good job.
Mateo: Thanks.

Clown: Boo! Ooh, aw.

Garrett: Well, the verdict is in. I do not like candy corn.
Amy: Things have gone very wrong.
Garrett: Mm-hmm.
Amy: Kelly texted Jonah, and I thought, "Oh, Kelly will feel bad if she doesn't get a text back from him." So I texted and...
Garrett: This goes on for pages.
Amy: It's not good.
Garrett: "Any guy in the store would be lucky to be with you. Not just the store, the world."
Amy: It gets worse.
Garrett: I can imagine. "Aw, sweet of you to say that." "Well, it's true." "You're very spicy."
Amy: "Special." It auto-corrected.
Garrett: "Sorry, I meant spicy."
Amy: It did it again.
Garrett: "Ha, you're spicy too." "Well, the things is, Kelly, my heart wants a relationship, but my body can't handle one. I'm very ill."
Amy: I don't know. I was just trying to make it seem final, and Emma and I are reading "Fault in Our Stars" so...
Garrett: "The doctors don't even have a name for it yet." "Oh, my God, I'm so sorry." "I don't really like to talk about it." "No one here knows." "I understand." "Sending you good energy." Ugh.
Amy: Okay. I know this is probably not the right next step, but what if I tried to get her fired? Or him? Help me, who should I get fired?

Cheyenne: What do you think?
Mateo: I look terrible.
Cheyenne: Oh, I...
Mateo: No, I mean, I look terrible. Like, exactly like Sal.
Cheyenne: Oh!
Mateo: You're a genius. Well I mean, not literally, but you know. Well done! One ticket to Manila, please. I'll probably just buy it online.

Costumed Customer: Where's the hummus?
Dina: There you are. We've been waiting for you.
Costumed Customer: For me?
Dina: Yeah. Come on. So crazy about Shoeland.
Costumed Customer: Shoeland?
Dina: Wow, already onto the next one, huh?

Kelly: Hey.
Jonah: Hey.
Kelly: You seem good.
Jonah: I am. I had a bar this morning with like 20 grams of protein. Might have been a little too much.
Kelly: No, no listen to your body.
Jonah: Yeah.
Kelly: Oh, my gosh, be careful. Let me help you.
Jonah: Oh, no, no, I'm fine. I'm stronger than people think.
Kelly: Yes. You are so strong. And I also think you are so brave.
Jonah: Thank you.

Cheyenne: So you'll have to do the make-up yourself for the trip back. Or you could just stay like this the whole time.
Mateo: I wish I could wear your skin.
Cheyenne: What was that?
Mateo: What? I was just saying she had really great skin.
Cheyenne: Huh.
Mateo: What?
Cheyenne: You know how, when a person dresses skanky then they start acting all skanky, but then you put that person in fancy clothes and they act like super British?
Mateo: Uh-huh. Sure.
Cheyenne: So maybe being in creep-face is making you act like a creep.
Mateo: That's stupid. Mmm. I just think it feels really good and firm on my tongue.

Dina: I don't know why you don't have a gurney.
Costumed Customer: Yeah, I was gonna get one, but they're like a hundred bucks.
Dina: Ah, budget cuts. Thank you, Governor Greitens.
Costumed Customer: So where am I supposed to put thing?
Glenn: Well, where you normally put it.
Costumed Customer: I guess I could put it on my lawn.
Glenn: I guess.
Wife: Chuck, what are you doing? Did you get the hummus?
Glenn: Hummus?
Dina: Put the body down!
Costumed Customer: I was just doing what you told me to do!
Dina: What is wrong with you?
Costumed Customer: Okay, okay, okay!
Dina: Back up!
Costumed Customer: Okay!
Dina: You back up!
Wife: What?

Amy: Okay, if I rotate Jonah on four-hour shifts, and I keep Kelly on the loading dock, then I think I can make it so that they never see each other.
Garrett: I don't feel so good. The candy corn is fusing itself back together in my stomach.
Amy: Is that your second bag?
Garrett: Mm-hmm.
Kelly: Why did you lie to me?
Jonah: I don't know what you're talking about, Kelly!
Garrett: There's a 1% chance they're talking about something else.

Kelly: Is this some kind of prank? Like, like, what? "Humiliate the new girl?"
Jonah: How could I humiliate you? I barely talk to you.
Amy: Hey, guys. Why don't we take a breath? You know what, Kelly, I feel like I cut your break short. Maybe you should go have another bowl of ramen, my treat.
Kelly: No, no, no, no. This guy's playing mind games with me all day.
Jonah: I would never do that. I'm an ally.
Kelly: Then explain all those texts!
Jonah: I never texted you.
Kelly: Stop lying!
Amy and Garrett: Whoa! Whoa!
Garrett: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Jonah: Okay, Kelly, just...
Amy: Okay, Kelly. It was me. I did it. I took Jonah's phone, and I was messing around. And I accidentally swiped right, and I just couldn't stop myself. And Garrett had something to do with it too.
Garrett: What?
Amy: I, I mean mostly it was me.
Jonah: Just put the knife down, okay? You're not going to hurt anyone.
Kelly: Stop telling me what to do!
Jonah: Ooh!
Amy: Jonah!
Kelly: Aah!
Amy and Garrett: Aaah! [bleep]
Jonah: Why did you have to use my phone? Aaah. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Amy: Oh. I get it. You, that was...fake. So funny. Got me.
Kelly: Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Garrett: Happy Halloween.

Older Woman: I swear I'm a size eight and a half.
Mateo: Uh, you know, it's fine. We have a nine right here.
Older Woman: Oh! What are you doing?
Mateo: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...oh God. Uh, oh God. Help! Help!

Cheyenne: Oh, my God. You look adorable.
Mateo: Okay, here. Take it. Destroy it, douse it with holy water, and set it on fire.
Cheyenne: What about the wedding?
Mateo: I'm not going, okay? It's not worth it. I don't like what's happening to me. I need to wash this all off before it's too late. This happened to my uncle once.

Amy: Ha, ha, ha. Well, yep, you guys you got me. But to be fair there are a lot of stabbings in this store.
Jonah: Yeah, you know honestly, you really committed. I'm impressed. I was almost scared.
Kelly: Really? Aw. Thanks. I watch a lot of Lifetime movies.
Jonah: Well, I'm gonna go wash all this blood off is a weird way to leave a conversation.
Amy: Hey, listen. I just wanted you to know that I was really not trying to make fun of you. It was an accident.
Kelly: It's okay. I mean, really I should have known it was from a girl. Guys never text that much.
Amy: I know, right? I just like, couldn't stop.
Kelly: Yeah.
Amy: I was like, "Aah."
Kelly: A lot of verbs.
Amy: Well, thank you for being cool about it.
Kelly: Yeah. I mean, if anything, I should thank you. You kind of helped me break the ice.
Amy: Oh. Oh good.
Kelly: Oh gosh, and I just, I really wanted to tell you that I love Selena Gomez.
Amy: Mm-hmm.

Dina: Sorry about the questioning. Just had to make sure you were real coroners, and not just here for hummus or something.
Real Coroner: Sure, yeah.
Dina: Well, here we are.
Real Coroner: And you didn't touch the body?
Dina: Absolutely not.
Toy Skeleton: Hey buddy, want some ribs?

Script icon Superstore Season Three Transcripts Script icon
Grand Re-OpeningBrett Is DeadPart-Time HiresWorkplace BullyingSal's DeadHealth FundChristmas EveViral VideoGolden Globes PartyHigh Volume StoreAngels and MermaidsGroundhog DayVideo Game ReleaseSafety TrainingAmnestyTargetDistrict ManagerLocal Vendors DayLotteryGender RevealAftermathTown Hall
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