Self Care/Transcript

This page is a transcript for the Season 5 episode Self Care.

And while it is wildly unconventional, there's nothing in the manual against wearing a blue polo with a blue vest.

It ain't natural.And while it is wildly unconventional, there's nothing in the manual against wearing a blue polo with a blue shirt.
Okay, ten minutes is enough on this.
We still have a lot to do for our health and safety inspection on Friday.
Marcus, can you please make sure your guys store all the new inventory according to code? Could we just have one day without trucks to unload? No you work in a warehouse.
I'm sorry, that's your whole job.
- Fake apology not accepted.
- Okay, that's fine.
Glenn, you're our emergency captain, so Come on, Glenn you, too? Oh, no, I just have a really bad headache.
You know, the kind where your body tingles all over and your lungs shrink Oh, my butt tingles when I sit for too long.
I'm thirsty.
I'm gonna get some water.
Glenn, why don't you sit down and someone else can get you water? No, Glenn, that's not you're that's my phone.
Stop! Glenn, stop, please.
What just go on with the meeting.
I'm just gonna have a little fall.
Glenn are you okay? We were so worried.
But then Earl egged Sarah's car, so a lot of people kind of moved over to that.
Oh, yeah, no, I am fine.
In fact, I'm not pre-diabetic anymore.
You're cured? How's that possible? Oh, no I'm not cured.
I'm just completely diabetic now.
I bonked out because my body thought that I had too much sugar in my bloodstream.
Agree to disagree.
But anyway, my doctor says I can manage it all with just a few tweaks to my lifestyle.
Tweaks? You face plant in the break room and your doctor prescribes tweaks? Not bad, huh? Looks like I picked the right doctor.
How could he not notice your patchy skin, your weight gain, how your breath smells like a Jolly Rancher no matter what you've just eaten? Hey, Jerusha loves that.
Every morning she asks me to breathe into her car.
Okay tweaks aren't gonna cut it.
You need to do a complete lifestyle overhaul.
I carried your baby for nine months and I'm not gonna let her get abandoned the way I did.
It's not fun going to a baseball game with your principal or learning how to skip stones from a pamphlet you had to send away for.
I am not going to abandon Rose.
The Sturgises all live into their 90s.
We have kind of a deal Anyway, I'm gonna be fine.
Hey, Masoud! Guess who's not pre-diabetic anymore! So they finally got the sprinklers working for the inspection, but I didn't get home until 3:00 a.
m.
, and then Parker was awake I know, I'm so sorry.
I tried to put him back down, but I think he finds my stories too stimulating.
What is this? I I asked you to put up the Halloween decorations.
You said St.
Patrick's Day.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry guys.
This is my bad.
I'm really tired.
Can you please just make this into Halloween? Come on.
I just got all this stuff out of storage.
I saw a bunch of silverfish.
You need to get more sleep.
Oh, my God, did you just come up with that all by yourself? Are you a doctor? 'Cause I might just take a nap right now, Mr.
Sleep Doctor.
I know you said that with a nuclear level of sarcasm, but I think you could actually take a nap.
Just in the middle of my work day? You're ready for the inspection tomorrow.
I can't just take a I mean, of course I want to Oh, my God, why did you even say the word nap? I can now feel my whole body just shutting down.
No I am not gonna take a nap.
I'm gonna where am I going? I was probably going to my office.
I'll just start there.
So you might be working with Dan the optometrist? Weird dude.
I don't even care.
They can hire me because it's run by a separate company.
Kind of like with Dolly Parton and her husband, who live under the same roof but never talk to each other.
- Right, like that.
- But it doesn't matter.
These interviews all go the same way anyway.
I slay with the Q&A, it's electric then they ask for my Social and I go, "I don't have one.
" Then they go, "Thanks, we'll be in touch.
" Guess if they're ever in touch, Garrett.
It's pretty clear from the context.
They're not! They're never in touch.
How did Elias get locked in the storm shelter? Uh, I think he went in there to sneak beans.
That's weird he eats beans out in the open all the time.
It's not even locked.
- It's a Nap Attack.
- Welcome to the Nap Zone.
Cheyenne, we agreed on Nap Zone.
You agreed on it.
- You guys - Just a 15 minute power nap.
Look, I've recreated your ideal sleep scenario.
Okay so warm light, one pillow for your head, one pillow to hug.
A laptop cued to the 11 o'clock news Oh, and here's my night guard, in case you need it.
Um no, thank you.
Guys I'm the manager of the store.
I can't take a nap.
Oh, come on.
You need to recharge a little.
You don't wanna end up collapsing in the store like Glenn.
Yeah, or, like, falling asleep on the toilet with your underwear around your ankles, so when we find you, it looks like you passed out from pooing too hard, and then every time we look at you we're gonna think, "Oh, my God, that's the lady that pooed so hard she passed out.
" Is that what you want? No, I I honestly can't say that I want any of that.
Mm-hmm.
I really do need it.
- Okay, I'm gonna take a nap.
- Yes! Yes! You just got nap trapped.
In in the Nap Zone, right.
Yeah.
What the Hey! Grilled chicken is on the list of approved foods from my doctor! The doctor that probably gets free vacations courtesy of Big Chicken.
You're a vegan now.
I got you a kale salad from the café.
Dina, look, I appreciate your concern, but I can take care of my own health.
There.
Good as new.
Well you're clearly qualified and I've always thought you were one of the coolest guys here.
You waved at me once, do you remember? Yes, of course.
Yeah.
I was like and you were like Yeah, exactly.
Yes, right.
Well, anyway.
You got the job.
Can you start today? Yes, definitely! I'd love to.
Great, I'll show you the ropes.
Oh, my God that's just a figure of speech, you know that, right? There's no ropes.
Got that.
Uh, don't you need my info, though? Oh, whoops! How silly of me.
I completely forgot to do any sort of paperwork.
I didn't really forget.
It's because you're undocumented.
Oh.
So, you know.
Know what? Did you see the the wink I did? Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.
You really are doing a great thing for me.
I know.
I read this thing online about "white savior complex," and I guess that's me.
- Did you read the whole thing? - Wow.
Dan, the White Savior.
Wow.
Wow, yeah.
- Amy time to wake-y.
- Hey, hey, hey.
She really needs this and we can cover for her, right? Plus, you know, waking someone up in the middle of a REM cycle can be very jarring.
I get it.
Bo's the same way with his soup.
He's always like, "I gotta finish this round of soup!" Yeah, yeah.
It's the same thing.
- Pretty good, right? - I don't know I'm not sure how often Amy stands motionless with her face against the door.
- Oh.
- No, no, no, no.
- Amy Sosa speaking.
- What are you doing? - Absolutely.
- Is Amy in? Uh, yes, she just stepped out.
Tell them you'll call them back.
She wanted me to put in a display for some of our new hot sauces.
Just need you to sign here.
I have you on speakerphone in my Volvo.
Just anything an X, a scribble Uh, yeah.
There you go.
Oh, stock market? A lot going on there.
- Hang up the phone.
- Oh, hey.
I just need the keys to the storm shelter.
I like to call Jerry from somewhere private.
Our conversations can get a little NSFW.
Uh no, you can't you can't do that.
First, it's still W and second, you can't go to the storm shelter because there's a surprise there.
- Oh, my God, is it a puppy? - Uh, yes, it's that.
Uh, Amy got a puppy for the store and it's sleeping, so you can't go in there.
Aw, it'll be so cute! I make $109,000 a year.
It is.
It's a thrill.
So I'm thinking of moving some of these uglier frames to the back.
Wait, those look like my frames.
Are these ugly? No I just meant they were, um have you ever thought about something like these? I really don't think about my appearance that much.
I kind of let my personality speak for itself.
You should try these on.
Wow.
Hey do something else on me.
Well, we could loosen you up a bit.
- All right.
- Okay There you go.
Hey man.
Hello, Nate Silver.
It's the best! I'm not just Dan's assistant, I'm also his personal stylist.
We spent lunch shopping for him.
So you have two jobs, one paycheck, and no lunch.
You're missing the point, okay? Dan is the only person here who appreciates the wisdom - I have to offer.
- Oh, really, yeah? What what wisdom is it that I'm missing out on? Well, you dress like a kid from a cereal commercial and you put way too much energy into the shoe thing.
But I guess at least you figured out the beard trick.
- Beard trick? - I just mean how you use it to hide your weak chin.
No, I don't have a weak chin.
I just like having a beard.
Sorry, Garrett looks like our chin secret's out.
No, we don't share a chin secret.
Excuse me.
I'm not the kind of person who likes to complain and I am not the kind of person who's easily offended, but I have a complaint about that display.
It's offensive.
I'm sorry, what display? Fire in the hole! I can see how it might not be for everyone.
Oh, my gosh, that vendor is always trying to push that hot sauce on us.
Can't believe Amy fell for it.
Yeah, she really dropped the ball.
Mateo, you have changed my life.
You're a genius.
Well, I wouldn't say genius.
Style icon, maybe.
Social influencer? I mean, yeah, at the very least.
Oh, it's my wife.
She's making salmon tonight.
Ah, it's so dry.
Hang on you always know what to do and say.
Maybe you could call her for me and let her know I hate her salmon.
Uh yeah, I could I could do that.
I'm sorry, um I just technically I don't think it's part of my job.
Well, technically you probably shouldn't even have the job, you know, 'cause the whole undocumented thing, so we're kind of off the map here, huh? We're helping each other out.
Doing each other a couple of solids.
Two guys, two solids.
And there we go.
Hi, this is Mateo.
I I work with your husband.
Um what's for dinner? That's perfect that's perfect.
So first you say Glenn is needed in Housewares, then Softlines, then the Garden Center.
Shorter intervals each time.
I'm trying to get him in shape because Got it, messing with Glenn.
I don't care why.
Uh, while I have you here you don't think I have a weak chin, do you? No I assume you have no chin, hence the beard.
No, no, no.
I have a chin.
You can come feel it.
I can't believe Amy would approve something like this.
I think she did, though.
I think she signed for it in her office.
So we need to take this thing down and cover butthole on every single bottle so we can re-shelve them? That's a lot of buttholes, Jonah.
I know, Sayid.
It's a ton of buttholes, but Amy said that the store is responsible for the product, now, so - Where is Amy, anyway? - She's busy.
She's very, very busy.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Awake and busy.
Is Amy sleeping? No.
What are you even saying right now? That is so random.
- She is she's sleeping.
- Guys, okay, look.
She's been working very hard.
Unlike us? I haven't stopped working since my shift started.
Yeah, that's that's kind of the deal.
You guys, I found one more butthole.
It's Amy.
This is going so bad.
Look, guys, I'm sorry.
I it was supposed to be a really quick, 15 minute power nap.
But my alarm decided it knew better than me, and let me sleep for four hours.
It sounds like your alarm just wanted you to have a little self care, you know? Well, I think self care means the self is doing the care.
She's been up late all week with this inspection and Parker's been a little difficult lately, so Amy's not the only one - with kids here.
- Marcus, you don't have kids.
No, but Janet does.
And one of these days, she's gonna let me watch them.
- No, I'm not.
- What about non-parents? We need self care, too.
I've been working so hard I've barely had time to get frozen custard.
I had to Postmates it.
Look, guys can we just please move past this and get back to work? Oh, so we have to work while you lie on a diamond bed and have unicorns feed you grapes? Yeah, if you can do self care at work, why can't we? Fine you know what, if you feel like you need some self care, then you should take a break every now and then.
Fine, we're doing it right now.
I'm gonna self care so hard.
Come on.
Right now is probably not the best 'cause we have an inspection I think we'll all feel better once we cuddle with the puppy.
Oh, Sandra there is no puppy.
You [bleep.]
us, Amy! Wow, this guy's got you shopping for his wife now? Okay, look.
In my situation you gotta do what you gotta do.
Okay, and sometimes that means buying shorts for a woman who gave me no information about her body type other than it was quote, "James Corden in 'Cats.
'" Buddy, I think you're working too hard.
Maybe you should start messing things up and Dan will stop asking you to do stuff.
You don't get it, okay? - Why are you covering your chin? - I'm not.
I'm just I'm thinking, dude.
I'm thinking about your problem.
Quite the conundrum, indeed.
Attention Cloud Nine team members, we need associates on checkouts two, three, and four.
If anybody out there feels like they've made their point, could you please get back to work? Thank you.
Hey, Amy, this is Wendell, who you spoke with over the phone? Remember, when you were being super professional and you agreed to move the health and safety inspection to today? Yes, hi how could I forget? Uh, Wendell, so nice to put a face to such a familiar voice.
Maybe we could start in the café.
Um no, no, not the café.
Why don't we start somewhere else, like, um not jewelry.
The let's start in the parking lot.
Yeah, this way.
I just found baby carrots in my pockets.
Weird might as well eat 'em.
Dina, I know what you're doing and this has nothing to do with my diabetes.
It's about your unresolved feelings toward your father.
Which is why I did a little research and I tracked down somebody special.
Glenn Hang on a second.
He's almost here.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, hey there, Dina.
It's me, your dad.
Mr.
Foxx.
- Glenn.
- Glenn Foxx.
That wasn't his name.
I'm stopping you because this is dumb.
Come on, Dina.
Isn't there anything you wanna say to me? Your your dad? I guess I've always wished that you'd been around to teach me how to ride a bike.
Great.
Well, maybe I can help you get some closure there.
Okay, yeah.
That would be nice.
How is this teaching you to ride a bike? Oh, I'm a visual learner.
As you can see, a very healthy, very safe Housewares section.
So, should we head over to Sporting Goods? - Sporting Goods.
- Great.
So, again, we're on our way to Sporting Goods.
- Go, go, go, go.
- Sporting Goods.
Carol is whole.
Carol is beautiful.
Carol is The inspector came early! You can't have candles in here.
Okay! Where am I supposed to put them? Who cares? Just get it out of here.
- Come on, come on.
- I'm going, I'm going.
- Wow, nice work.
- Hmm? Uh nice work, you inspecting the hell out of this store.
- Hot towel? - You guys need to clean all of this up.
Amy's on her way with So you wanna see Grocery instead of Furniture? Are you sure you don't wanna see Furniture first? It really sets the context for Grocery Fire in the hole.
Okay, that that was not on fire when I approved it.
I'll start with the positives.
Most of your store was not on fire.
Unfortunately, the part that was on fire knocked your score down to a 65.
Oh, my God.
Look, Wendell, could we maybe just, please, schedule a do-over? Oh, no, no, no, no.
You passed.
You only needed a 60.
- What? - We passed? Did you see all the raccoons out Cheyenne, stop trying to help.
I use mine all the time.
Soups, stews pretty much any wet food.
Okay, great, and what is the return policy? And this is a linen blend, so it should have that "boardroom to boardwalk" feel she wanted.
Thank you, Mateo.
Her legs really need the win.
By the way, you know, you really got in her head about the salmon thing, so I was thinking it might just be easier if you came over and cooked dinner for us tonight.
Oh uh Whoops! I'm so clumsy.
God, you probably can't even trust me with dinner.
I would just drop it all over the floor.
Relax, it's fine.
I mean, what am I gonna do? Ask someone else? I mean, someone documented probably wouldn't do any of this stuff anyway, right? I guess not.
So, anyway toward the end of dinner, I'm gonna go to the bathroom and then you can tell Donna I'm not ready to have kids.
What? I'm supposed to tell your wife that? Absolutely not.
Huh? My job is not to fix your life, okay? It's to work in the Vision Center.
And maybe the fun fashion stuff, but that's it.
Mateo, you're right.
I've been exploiting you.
I wasn't meaning to, but you you're just so cool and you know so much and I thought it was just, you know, a standard exchange of solids.
God, I feel like a terrible person.
- Well, I wouldn't say that you're - No, I am.
Now let's put our heads together and figure out how you're gonna make me a better one.
Fine, Dina.
You know what? Here.
Is that what you wanted? Hmm? I'll eat your stupid kale.
You know what, Glenn? I don't care.
I'll just go back to waiting for you to die.
Congratulations, Rose! Welcome to the Bad Dad club.
I am not a bad dad.
I am a great dad! There, you happy? Is it all gone? Your mouth is entirely full of kale.
So Dan the Optometrist, he seems charming? He's a giant weirdo, but the Vision Center's not too busy and the WiFi in that corner is super fast.
- Good night, guys.
- Holy - Whoa.
- Yeah, I shaved.
- At work? - Had to do it to 'em.
Some people were doubting my chin.
Well you showed them.
Hey, man, I can cover for you till it grows back, - if you want.
- Yeah, I appreciate that.
Should be about a week and a half.

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