S03E22-CEO speaks This page is a transcript for the Season Three episode Town Hall

Garrett: I've got three rules. Don't date co-workers, don't move in with co-workers you date, and don't dump co-workers you live with and date.
Jonah: Can I move back in with you?
Garrett: Aww.

Laurie: So, Neil Penderson, that's our CEO, will speak first, followed by Glenn, and then Neil will take a few more questions. Let's try and remember this event is going to be live-streamed, so let's try to avoid anything controversial, okay?
Glenn: Laurie, by live-stream do you mean in the conventional sense, like running water or...
Laurie: No, I mean you're going to be filmed and then broadcast live to all of our stores.
Glenn: Oh!
Jonah: I'm sorry, isn't the whole point of a town hall that you can ask anything?
Kelly: Oh, no, Jonah, are you upset because they told you it was one thing then yanked the rug out from under you?
All: Ohhhh.
Glenn: When you say all of the stores, do you mean all the stores in the St. Louis area...
Laurie: I mean all of our stores across the globe.
Glenn: So, Earth. That's fun.
Mateo: Ooh, I'm going to ask what's the craziest rich person thing he's ever done.
Cheyenne: I bet it's something like blowing up a cow with a bazooka, or hunting a person.
Garrett: Oh, that dude's definitely played the most dangerous game.
Laurie: I'm going to add that area to this list.
Amy: Uh, why can't we talk about Myrtle?
Laurie: Uh, because we had to fire Myrtle. So we don't need people asking those kinds of questions.
Jonah: What kind of questions?
Laurie: You know, who knows? We're not hiding anything, so I really couldn't guess.
Glenn: 7.594 billion people. How are we not sinking? I feel like I'm sinking.

Amy: Oh. Hi.
Jonah: Hi.
Amy: What are you doing in here?
Jonah: I'm guessing the same thing as you?
Amy: Oh, right, 'cause you know me so well.
Jonah: Okay, fine, what Laurie said about firing Myrtle was weird, so I thought I'd check her file. What are you doing?
Amy: Same thing.
Jonah: Well, I think I can handle it, so...
Amy: Well, you don't know where it is.
Jonah: It's alphabetical.
Amy: Do you know her last name? Or were you just checking under "M" for Myrtle?
Jonah: She's in my phone as "Myrtle Old."
Amy: Hmm. Yeah, check "O" for Old.

Garrett: That's too many of those things.
Glenn: It's medicine. You can't have too many.
Garrett: Everything okay?
Glenn: Do you know how many countries we have stores in? China, France, India, Mexico. That's most of the Small World ride.
Garrett: Yeah, but the only people who are going to see it are Cloud 9 employees and the customers that happen to be there.
Glenn: Yeah, I guess that's true.
Garrett: And even if there's, like, a hundred people watching in each store, how many stores are there world-wide?
Glenn: I don't know, maybe 1,800.
Garrett: Right, so that's like only 180,000 people. Which is actually a large number of people.
Glenn: You're not helping.

Jonah: Repeated absences, bad attitude, insubordination. I'm surprised Myrtle wasn't fired sooner.
Amy: No, look at these dates. All of these are within the last six months. What she just goes 30 years without a single write-up and overnight gets bad at her job?
Jonah: Well, she was not great.
Amy: No, I know, she's been not great at her job for 30 years, so why all of a sudden is Glenn writing her up?
Jonah: It's not Glenn. Jeff Sutin, Jeff Sutin, Jeff Sutin. Since when does a district manager write up floor workers?
Amy: We have to talk to Jeff. Or I have to talk to Jeff.
Jonah: Well, I want to talk to him too.
Amy: Well, you can talk to whoever you want. I'm not in charge of who you talk to.

Carol: Jonah's a jerk, by the way. You deserve so much better.
Kelly: Thanks. I appreciate that.
Carol: So what are we going to do to him? Revenge porn on the Internet? Give his credit card info to a bum?
Kelly: Or, maybe someone tells the cops he's cooking meth. Then uh-oh, there's an ounce of it found in his sock drawer. How'd that get there?
Carol: Wow that's, aggressive.
Kelly: Or he's got two brothers. Be a shame if something happened to them. Then he'd be all alone.
Carol: Well I'm just going to go...
Kelly: Well let me know, Carol. I've got nothing to lose anymore. Whew, ha!

Amy: Thank you for meeting with us.
Jeff: Yeah, well, that's the beauty of the ride-share game. I go where I want when I want. I meet tons of new people and I get to listen to what's on their Spotify, and I love it, and I'm really, really loving it.
Amy: Cool. That's cool. Can we talk about Myrtle?
Jeff: Yes. I'm sorry, okay, so, um, there was a mandate to write up any employee over the age of 70 to give us a pretext for firing them, okay? It didn't matter for what. I once wrote Myrtle up for wearing gang colors, and I know she's not a Crip.
Amy: Why would they do that?
Jonah: Old people are slower, they have higher medical costs...
Amy: I was asking Jeff.
Jeff: Um, that.
So, what you're saying is Myrtle is now out there collecting cans for coins because you needed to increase the bottom line.
Jeff: Look, that's just the corporate culture over there. It's the mindset. Anything is justified as long as it saves a dollar. Believe me, if there was something I could do to change that, I would.
Amy: Well, maybe there is.
Uber Passenger: Hi! Are you Alejandro?
Jeff: No, sorry.
Uber Passenger: Oh, sorry, wrong car.
Jeff: Alejandro has five stars. I'd love to meet him.

Amy: We can't let corporate get away with this.
Jonah: Yeah, if Myrtle can be fired just because of her age then who's next?
Dina: Probably Dale.
Mateo: I think Henry's older, actually.
Cheyenne: It goes Henry, Dale, Brett, Todd...
Garrett: Dude, Todd's like 40.
Dina: Really? He looks bad for 40.
Mateo: Have you seen his wife though? Oh, she is so beautiful.
Amy: Okay, guys, can we bring it back?
Mateo: She's Nordic.
Sandra: Oh.
Amy: Look, there is a plan. It just means we all have to work together.
Jonah: Right
Amy: Mm-hmm.
Jonah: Exactly.
Amy: Yep.
Jonah: So, you know how they're going to live-stream the town hall meeting to the entire company? Okay, so we're going to sneak Jeff into that meeting.
Amy: And then, he's going to stand up in front of the CEO, and the cameras, and say why Myrtle was really fired.
Dina: Wait, you're asking us to sign on for a plan where Jeff is the key? I mean, if it was any guy named Jeff I'd be skeptical, but he's not even one of the top Jeffs.
Jeff: I'm right here, guys. I'm on the phone.
Dina: I stand by what I said.
Sandra: Couldn't they just say Jeff is lying?
Amy: Yes, except that an e-mail went around listing all the employees over 70 and how much money the company would save if they were fired.
Jeff: I don't have access to the corporate server anymore, but Laurie would on her phone.
Amy: Bam, there's our proof.
Jonah: And how are you going to get her e-mail?
Amy: That is the part that we have not figured out.
Garrett: Okay, well, then I assume you've figured out how to get Jeff past security or what to do if Laurie or Neil recognize him. Or how you're going to handle them turning off the cameras once Jeff starts speaking.
Jonah: So those are the other parts that we also haven't figured out yet.
Garrett: Mm, solid plan.
Glenn: I have to ask, is this the best day to make waves? Because I have to speak in front of everyone on the planet.
Marcus: Yeah, and do we even want Myrtle back? I mean, she kind of sucked.
Myrtle: Did someone say my name?
Dina: Could you just tell us ahead of time who all's on the phone?

Jeff: So are you sure being stuffed in a box in Styrofoam is safe?
Dina: Yeah, it's totally safe. They've done studies.
Jeff: What kind of studies?
Dina: Okay, I'm going to chat up the security guard to distract him while you drive the forklift into the store.
Sandra: Um, I don't know how to drive a forklift. Maybe you could do it and I could talk to the guard?
Dina: You have zero charisma. How are you possibly going to chat up a guard?
Jeff: I'm a little worried I might run out of oxygen in here.
Dina: On it.
Jeff: Hey! No! Wait! Ahh!
Dina: There's your air holes, princess.
Jeff: Thank you.

Amy: Hey, Laurie. Um, I made up this seating chart for the meeting today. I was going to do it in height order but then it got really female heavy in...
Laurie: None of this matters. I don't care where people sit.
Amy: Okay wait, I have another question for you. Ah, are you a lesbian?

Dina: People always ask, how do I get enough protein? Well, I got two words for you, beans and nuts. I always tell people I'm nuts about beans and I'm beans about nuts. I mean that second half doesn't mean anything, but it sounds like something. It's more of a rhythm thing, you know?

Amy: Just 'cause you were golfing with another woman. I mean, not that two women can't go golfing together. It just sort of felt like there was a little bit of a thing going on between the two of you. Anyway, if you're single, my veterinarian just broke up with her girlfriend and, um, you know there is that.

Dina: You can put cashew cheese on pretty much anything. And, I mean, truthfully, right now, we are in a nut cheese renaissance, which is amazing. There's so many different options, it's just like...

Amy: She's really pretty. I mean, at least I think so. I don't really know what your type is. But we haven't really quite established whether or not you are a lesbian, 'cause you're just staring at me. This is a conversation. You can jump right in. The water's warm. You know what, this is none of my business.
Laurie: Yeah, not really.
Amy: You know what, my daughter's principal just came out, so that's another option. Just, back of mind.

Dina: I mean, they can make milk out of cashews, almonds, soy. Then the grains, rice milk, quinoa milk. I mean how do you get milk out of quinoa? I have no idea about the process, but it exists.

Cheyenne: Ooh, we should disguise Jeff as Lana Del Rey.
Mateo: He already has long eyelashes.
Cheyenne: Ooh, that is true, but they still might recognize him.
Mateo: You think?
Garrett: Check it out. I got this camera patched into their feed so if they stop filming when Jeff starts talking, this little bad boy keeps going.
Cheyenne: Oh, I know, we could give him a wig.
Mateo: Yes! Chey, you are such a genius.
Cheyenne: Oh stop it, you are the genius.
Mateo: You are.
Cheyenne: No.
Garrett: You know what, it actually was really tough to do. I had to figure out how to set up a router to transmit into their signal.
Cheyenne: Did someone ask you to do that?
Garrett: I'm just trying to be part of the plan.
Mateo: Aww.

Amy: Feels weird to just be scrolling through someone's e-mails.
Jonah: Can't you just search some keywords?
Amy: Like what?
Jonah: I don't know, ageism, discrimination.
Amy: Oh, right, "Hey team, how's the ageism discrimination going?"
Jonah: That's a good point.
Amy: Oh, "Jane Austen Superfan Convention Pics?" That's probably not it.
Jonah: But, we should probably open it just to be safe.
Amy: Yeah, let's not take any chances.

Neil: Thanks.
Laurie: Hey, so this is Glenn, the general manager.
Neil: Glenn, I've heard a lot about you.
Glenn: You have? What did you hear? It's just that there's another Glenn that works here and people mix us up.
Neil: Oh.
Glenn: Glenn is nice, though. He's black. Not, not "he's nice, though he's black." Just he's very nice and very black. Maybe it would help if I did an impression of him for you. Yo, yo, Glenn, my man, can I get five...
Neil: That's not necessary. We're good. Thank you. He knows his people.
Laurie: He's great.

Jeff: Not to be critical, Cheyenne, but I feel stupid.
Mateo: I think you look like a hot, skinny Hagrid.
Jeff: Ooh That I can work with. Harry, 'ello Harry. Get me some eye of newt, Harry! Good, right?
Dina: Hey, okay, they haven't found the e-mail yet.
Jeff: What?
Dina: Don't worry. They're going to get it to you during the meeting. Don't freak out. You're going to be fine. You look incredibly stupid.
Jeff: Thank you.

Neil: As you all know, a year ago this store was hit by a tornado. But they rebuilt. And the man leading that rebuilding is a man who represents the best of Cloud 9, Glenn Sturgis! Here you go, Glenn.
Glenn: Thank you, Neil. You know, I love this store. Cloud 9 is more than just...
Neil: I'm sure it's hard to find the words. But let me just say on behalf of all of us...
Glenn: That wasn't me.
Neil: I know. No, it's fine.
Glenn: It was him. So if you're laughing, you are laughing at our CEO. I'm, I'm sorry, Neil, go on.
Neil: Um, okay. Okay, and, um, just for the record it wasn' know what, doesn't matter.
Glenn: Yeah, it doesn't matter. You had a human moment. Could have happened to anyone. This time it was you.
Neil: I'm not the one who farted.
Glenn: Then how do you know what happened? For someone who's so innocent, you sure seem to have a lot of information.
Neil: You're the one who farted.
Glenn: You farted.
Neil: No, you...
Glenn: You farted!
Neil: Thank you, Glenn.
Glenn: He farted.
Garrett: Yeah, yeah, sure.
Glenn: Right on me, and then I dragged it over here.

Jonah: Did you find anything yet?
Amy: Well, she Postmated three times last night. Whoa. What's the story there?
Jonah: We don't have a lot of time.
Amy: Oh, right umm. Oh, okay, minimizing costs by downsizing legacy employees.
Jonah: Yeah, that. Pr-, that. Print. Print that.
Amy: On it. Print. Wait, she Postmated ramen this morning? Ugh, what's going on with her?

Marcus: Hi, I am interested in your decision-making process for new products.
Neil: Ah, great question. We like to pay...
Marcus: Let's just say I'm an entrepreneur, which I am. I am the founder and CEO of Boob Cheese, cheese from humans. Now, breast milk is...

Laurie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?
Amy: To the meeting.
Laurie: No, it's already started. I can't let anyone through.
Marcus: This is obviously going to be a game-changer. Lots of stores that this would be a great fit for, such as, for example, Target, Wal-Mart, Costco.
Amy: No, but, but we'll be so quiet, and, and we've really been looking forward to this.
Jonah: Besides, I think there are some seats in the back.
Laurie: Well, you'd have to walk past the cameras to get there, so if you can figure out a way to like teleport there, or tunnel underneath, be my guest.
Neil: I'm sorry, are you asking me to carry human cheese in our stores?
Marcus: Oh! I hadn't really...this is unexpected. Yes! Yes! Why not? Let's do it!
Jonah: Laurie, I promise nobody will notice us.
Amy: No no no, Jonah, it's okay. We're fine. We're cool.
Laurie: We cool?
Amy: The tunnel.
Jonah: The tunnel.

Neil: Well, I think if you buy three packs of hot dogs and four packs of buns, you should have the right amount. All right, thank you. Well, you know, I can't think of a better way to end than that. So I want to thank you for...
Dina: No, wait, I have a question!
Neil: Uh oh. I guess we have time for one more.
Dina: Oh. One last question, huh? Guess I better make it a good one then. Ah how do...

Jonah: Oh, [bleep], Garrett says they're wrapping up. We got to go.
Amy: Oh.

Dina: I was born right here in St. Louis, and as you might know, St. Louis was originally established as a hub for river-based trade.

Amy: What are you doing?
Jonah: I'm just telling Garrett we're hurrying.
Amy: Well, don't text it. Just do the hurrying.

Dina: Oh Danny Boy I love you so. And that was my great-great grandfather. He's not relevant to this.

Amy: Ugh, I touched rat droppings. I need to wash my hands.
Jonah: There's no time! Just don't touch your face.
Amy: No! Now that's all I want to do.

Dina: So, I'm 18, and I've woken up in Wahaca, covered in furs. You know what? Never mind. My question was about self-checkouts, and I just remembered you already answered it earlier. So I'm going to yield my time. Thank you.
Neil: Well, this has been great. I want to thank you all...
Jeff: Hold on! I've got a question.
Neil: Look, I'm really glad to see all this excitement from our employees...
Jeff: No, I'm not an employee. It's me! Jeff Sutton!
Cheyenne: Oh, right, I forgot for a second.

Neil: I'm sorry, I don't...Jeff Sutton.
Jeff: I was the district manager before Laurie. I worked with you for 12 years. At the counter, I got your latte that time and you got my tea.
Neil: Hmm.
Jeff: You know what? It doesn't matter. It's not about me. It's about another former employee named Myrtle Vartanian.
Laurie: Okay, you know what? I think we're really out of time here.
Neil: Who's, who's Myrtle Vartanian?
Laurie: Myrtle is one of our more experienced employees who was unfortunately let go due to performance issues.
Jeff: Except it wasn't because of performance issues.
Neil: Oh, Jeff Sutton! Well, of course I remember you. Always drinking tea.
Jeff: Yes! Jeff Sutton, that's me.
Amy: What is this? What's happening?
Jonah: It's not good.
Garrett: Myrtle.
Jeff: Yeah! Myrtle was an employee here, and...
Neil: You know what? If I could ever persuade you to come back to Cloud 9, we could definitely use a guy like you in Chicago.
Jeff: Chicago? Hmm. Wow.
Amy: No, Jeff, no, no, no, no.
Jonah: Yep.
Neil: Anyway, you know what, I'm sorry. I interrupted you, didn't I? What were you saying about Myrtle?
Jeff: Myrtle was a gang member, and that's the reason we had to let her go.
Dina: That's why you never trust a Jeff.

Amy: What a weasel!
Jonah: Jeff or Neil?
Amy: Jeff! And Neil! And Laurie, too. Just a whole company of weasels.
Jonah: Yeah.
Amy: And you know what the worst part is?
Jonah: Myrtle?
Amy: Yeah, of course, Myrtle. You know what the second worst part is?
Jonah: Huh?
Amy: That I was stupid enough to think something might actually work out in this store.
Jonah: I always kind of feel like things are going to work out.
Amy: Yeah, you do, don't you? What's wrong with you?
Jeff: Hey! There's my team.
Mateo: Oh, nice suit. Is that from our Benedict Arnold Collection?
Jeff: Look, I know how this promotion might look, but believe me when I tell you this is a good thing for all of us.
Dina: How is you selling out good for us?
Jeff: Because now you have a man on the inside, at the top. The inside top, that's where you want to be.
Cheyenne: So, now you're going to use your power to help Myrtle get her job back?
Jeff: Exactly. Probably. I mean, we don't want to rock the boat too much at first. Guys, we're playing the long game here. I will see you at home. Great job today!
Garrett: Chill.
Glenn: I hope he enjoys his job with CEO Neil Farterson. 'Cause he farted.
Sandra: Hmm.
Glenn: Yeah.

Jonah: Hey. So are we okay?
Amy: Look, uh, why don't we just start over?
Jonah: Fresh start?
Amy: Fresh start. All right, so...oh my God. How many buttons do you have?
Jonah: A lot. Wait, do I need a...
Amy: No, I'm already pregnant.
Jonah: Oh, right, that's awesome.
Yeah! Great.

Garrett: Hey guys, look what's on.

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